DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for more than two years. When we first started dating, I knew he smoked marijuana daily. I slowly grew frustrated being with someone who is out of it and unresponsive. I decided to break it off. He then decided (without my suggestion) that he would stop smoking. There were many times where I was suspicious that he was smoking again. He had bloodshot eyes, smelled of it, would run errands that took hours to complete, etc., but I just pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to be happy. Shortly after we got married I caught him smoking with a friend, when he had told me he was somewhere else. I felt so disappointed. But I forgave him. Amy, I don’t care if people want to smoke weed, but it is something I didn’t want in a husband or the future father of my children. Last night I was cleaning his car when I found weed hidden underneath the floor mat. I also found eye drops and a lighter. We talked about it and he told me that he feels like weed helps him. He believes it has healing powers (he has no medical issues). He doesn’t want to stop. I was very clear about my views from the start of our relationship. It isn’t fair that he lied to me for so long. I told him I wanted a divorce because I could no longer trust him. He said I was crazy for being willing to throw everything away over a little weed. I don’t know what to do. I feel like it isn’t even about the weed now, it’s about the betrayal, lies, and the intentional hiding. Am I crazy for wanting a divorce over weed?
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I gather from where your husband’s stash was located that pot is illegal in your state. If so, it is reasonable to ask and expect your spouse not to engage in illegal activity.
But if pot were legal where you live, would you find it acceptable if he used it occasionally? And, importantly, would he be able to use it only occasionally?
His habit of hiding this from you might have triggered some bingeing behavior. Would he be able to use pot the way some of us have a glass of wine with a meal, and enjoy it without getting stoned?
People who use weed and get baked will deny how obnoxious and boring they can be, and how big an impact it has on their lives and relationships. It is no fun to try to have a life with someone who is unavailable, unreliable, impaired, and zoned out.
Your husband broke a vow he had made to you, and then he lied about it. If you look down the road and see nothing but more of this, then yes, you should probably leave. This is your version of: “Three strikes, I’m out.”
DEAR AMY: I have a friend whose wife died six years ago. He frequently brings up his wife on his Facebook postings, and his wife continues to “respond” to his postings and post poetry on her website. At what point does one stop responding? Or does one? He is apparently in counseling. Any suggestions?
DEAR FRIENDS: I don’t see anything amiss with bringing up one’s late spouse on Facebook. Doing so is like mentioning her name in conversation.
It sounds as if he has set up a “memorial page” and is posting and sharing from that page. If he is posting things she wrote during her lifetime, I think that sounds like a great idea. If he is responding in her persona, that’s a little more troubling.
The beauty of Facebook is that you don’t ever have to “like,” comment, respond, or even look at anything that floats by on your Facebook stream. The fewer clicks and likes he receives, the less traction these posts will get.
I hope you will reach out in real life to talk to and spend time with this man. A grief support group might be helpful.
DEAR AMY: You asked for feedback from people on how they divide the job of cleaning the dirty dishes in their household. Like you, our rule is, “if you cooked, you don’t have to do the dishes.” We think of this as a fair division of labor.
Happy in the House
DEAR HAPPY: I like this balance, too. Many of us would much rather clean than cook.