DEAR AMY: I married my husband seven years ago. A close girlfriend of mine was one of my bridesmaids. She got ridiculously drunk at my wedding. She ran around the dance floor like an idiot. She hit on one of my husband’s married friends in front of his wife. She threw up in the bathroom and one of my aunts had to take her car keys away. It makes me sick to watch my wedding video because she is everywhere, acting like an idiot. Now she is engaged and planning her wedding and I feel like I should get stupid-wasted (or act stupid-wasted) at her wedding so she can feel all the hell she put me through. My husband is not interested in going to her wedding because of her actions at our wedding. He wants to RSVP that we will not be attending and send a card with money, but if I am going to give her a card with money, then I should go to the reception and act up. What are your thoughts?
DEAR DISTURBED: Your idea to get — or act — “stupid-wasted” and crash through this person’s wedding is delightfully bananas. I suggest you immediately get to work on a screenplay with this bridal-revenge concept as the primary plot, in order to get it out of your system.
Otherwise, back away — far, far away — from this idea. It is dumb, mean, churlish and a reputation-killer for you.
Imagine that if you actually acted out the fantasy, you would be harming not only the bride, but also her groom and other guests. Surely you should not take so many innocent people hostage, even if your bridesmaid did this to you.
Do not attend this wedding. Do not send money.
The meanest thing I give you permission to do is to copy your wedding footage and slip a DVD into an envelope, along with a note to this person: “Take a look at my wedding video. I’m sure you’ll notice your performance on my wedding day. I certainly hope you have better luck choosing your bridesmaids then I did. We won’t be there to find out, however.”
DEAR AMY: I have a boyfriend of two years whom I love very much. “Trey” didn’t have a great childhood and grew up with a very controlling father and passive mother, so his ability to connect sometimes isn’t the greatest.
When things are good between us, they are great, but he has anxiety and depression, and despite seeing a counselor and trying meds he still has these outbursts where he gets so angry, blames me for things I have nothing to do with and shuts me out completely — sometimes for days.
I have my own issues with depression and loss, so these times cause extreme panic for me.
I’m not sure if I should stick it out for the wonderful person I know he is, hoping we can grow to accept each other’s faults, or if I should leave because his outbursts and the constant fights are bringing me even lower and taking me to a bad place I don’t want to be in.
Is there any hope for us to be together? I’d like for our relationship to work out.
Help in NYC
DEAR NYC: It would be very easy to fantasize about things changing for the better for both of you.
What you really have to imagine, however, is what life would be like for you if nothing changes, or — just as likely — if things get worse for him (and/or you).
Being a survivor of a tough childhood marks him for relational challenges in adulthood. Depression and anxiety on top of his childhood experience makes this a triple-whammy for him.
You struggle with your own vulnerabilities. You no doubt understand that having a commitment toward health and well-being is only the first step toward a balanced and happy enough life. After that, you have to make very deliberate and tough choices to protect your own health.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend lashes out at you, punishes you and neglects you when he is in a bad place. If he has frequent outbursts and if you two engage in ”constant fights,” then you should leave the relationship, even if you believe that this behavior is not really his fault, but rather a symptom of his mental illness.
DEAR AMY: “Miserable” saw an old flame and couldn’t stop thinking about him. This happened to me. Luckily I am still married to my wonderful, faithful husband and he forgave my indiscretions. She needs to talk to her husband about this. Telling the truth is always better.
Experienced in Memphis
DEAR EXPERIENCED: Great advice.