DEAR AMY: My wife and I are separating after 13 years of marriage. A few months ago she said she was unhappy. Then I learned she had formed an "emotional and spiritual connection" with a married man from church, someone I know and whose children play with our children after church every Sunday. I believe her lack of interest in working on our marital issues is tied to the fact that there is someone else already in her life, who has taken her focus away from "us." I am torn about telling the man's wife about this "connection." Some people have advised me to tell her, because I would want to know if my wife was being secretive. Others have said to leave their marriage alone. My wife has told me that the other man has not told his wife; he has told her that I am suspicious of them, because I met with him to talk about his relationship with my wife, and he denied anything but friendship. Then to cover himself he made me seem like an insecure, jealous husband who has strange ideas about their "friendship." My wife excused his behavior by suggesting that I cornered him, and what else was he going to say? Should I meet with her and tell her what I know, or leave it alone, in the belief that it will reveal itself eventually?
DEAR WRONGED: You are not a disinterested party to this involvement -- it has a direct impact on your life and marriage, and so you should disclose it.
You did the right thing by confronting the husband. It did not go well for you but, still, you did your best to approach him and tell the truth. Even if there is no hope to save your own marriage, you should still tell the truth to the other person whose marriage is affected.
You should say, "I want you to know that my wife and I are separating due to the fact that she is involved with your husband. It gives me no pleasure to tell you this, but I thought you should know because your own marriage may also be at risk."
DEAR AMY: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years. After our breakup, a friend, "Bob," asked me out. For the past two weeks, Bob and I have gone out multiple times and talked almost every day. He is very sweet and often compliments me. We haven't talked about any potential relationship, but it seems clear that he likes me. Four days ago Bob and I went to get drinks and the movies, and his sister and her husband came along. I met them for the first time. We all had a good time and I ended the night by telling Bob to call me when he wanted to see me again, but I haven't heard from him. Now I am confused. I don't want to call Bob since I told him to call me, but I'm afraid he will lose interest or think that I am uninterested. What should I do? I genuinely like him and could see us having a relationship together. Do you think I'm moving too fast?
DEAR SINGLE: If you want to see "Bob," or have questions about where things are headed, you should call (or text) him. Thank him for the nice time you had and say you enjoyed meeting his sister. Ask him if he wants to meet for coffee and then wait to see if he responds.
He might be worried that meeting his family members set the two of you on a too-fast track; hearing from you could help. You should keep things semi-casual for a while after ending such a long relationship.
DEAR AMY: "Bad Choice Maker" said he wanted out of his marriage after only two weeks. I was disappointed in your answer to him. You should not encourage married people to give up so easily. You should have challenged him to stay with his wife.
DEAR MARRIED: When someone states that he "hates" his wife after only two weeks, I don't think it's wise to encourage him to stay.