DEAR AMY: I was 19 when I married my husband, who was 27 at the time. He was here five months before we started dating. I was pregnant by another man. My husband and I got married 10 months later. He is a manager at a chain pizza store that his family owns, so naturally he works a lot — 60 to 70 hours a week. I was so young, just got married, just had a baby and just landed a big-girl job. I left him. He wasn’t paying me any mind (so I thought). I wanted both the income and the attention. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. He worked a lot because we wanted nice things. It has been more than a year since I left. We still see each other, hang out with each other and are intimate with each other. I want him back more than anything. He says he loves and misses me, but that he can’t get over the fact that I left him. I have been chasing him around for more than a year. I am always initiating to do things. I am always the one to text him. The longest we went without talking was 10 days, and that was because I ended up texting him. He gives me the most confusing vibes. When we’re together it’s perfect. I want to give up, but my Christian belief makes me not want to. I’m torn, stressed and exhausted. I don’t know what to do. Please help!
A Broken Girl
DEAR BROKEN: Your Christian faith didn’t stop you from leaving your husband, so now it might be best if you didn’t use your faith as an excuse to keep pursuing him.
In terms of “wanting cake,” it seems that your ex is now in that category. He has the advantages of having a relationship with you when he wants it. He might also be punishing you for your own rejection by keeping you on the ropes.
If you were happy with things as they are, then you wouldn’t have a problem, but it is a true fact that chasing someone who doesn’t really want to get caught simply doesn’t work.
Lawyers and other advisers frequently suggest that couples who are splitting up should not have conjugal visits. This muddies the water and delays both parties’ ability to move on.
It is time for you to stop pursuing your ex. Stop it. If he wants to come back to you, he will. If he doesn’t want to come back, his distance will help you to recover from this failed relationship and make different choices next time.
DEAR AMY: My nephew, who rents a room in our home, is a 21-year-old good guy. He is respectful, caring and a great cook. The problem is his social life. When he gets home from work the first thing he does is quickly eat, and then it’s up to his room until the next morning, when it’s time to go to work. On weekends it’s the same thing. When my friends come over I invite him to join us and have some fun but he just says “maybe later” and heads back into his room. He never shows up “later.” I asked him once why he never goes out, and he simply told me that his friends live too far away. Should my wife and I be concerned? He will not make any friends if he won’t leave his room.
DEAR HIBERNATING: Many people have relationships that are pretty functional and positive, but are not actually IRL (in real life). Your nephew might be very engaged in relationships through online gaming or other internet sources. You don’t actually know what is going on up there in his lair.
If he is working and seems physically and mentally healthy, then you shouldn’t interfere. Continue to encourage and attempt to include him, but don’t be alarmed unless your spidey sense tells you he needs some intervention.
His parents might have some insight into this (if they are in the picture); if you are truly concerned, reach out to them.
DEAR AMY: I got chills when I read the letter from “Worried,” the woman whose boyfriend’s mother was rude and dismissive toward her. I’m glad her boyfriend confronted his mother over this. If this dynamic doesn’t change, she should seriously reconsider this relationship. My mother-in-law treated me this way during our courtship, and then upped her game once we got married. It has been hell.
DEAR CHILLED: So sorry.