Let's celebrate "Friday the 13th" with a little red meat, shall we? And hard numbers.
There are 13 grisly deaths in the reboot of "Friday the 13th" - machete decapitations, an arrow through the head, somebody burned to death in a sleeping bag - you know the slasher drill. The murders are for shock and comic effect.
Three nubile young things take their tops off. Two of them have hot sex with not-nearly-as-naked guys in the same forest by the same Crystal Lake where all those camp counselors were butchered back in 1980.
This Michael Bay production is a graphic homage to the series that helped turn simple slasher pictures into a formula for success. It may have Bay's big-budget sheen, and it's every bit as efficient and heartless as the original Fridays. But for all its attempted jolts, it's not all that scary. The genre is reduced to "Who gets it next and how?" and never for a second makes us care.
For the opening, we're treated to a blameless quintet of pot lovers murdered after they come to the ruined Camp Crystal Lake because there's weed growing there. "Six weeks later" we meet a new group of seven young people on a beer-and-booze blast at the rich boy's daddy's cabin. A hunky biker (Jared Padalecki) is looking for his missing sister (she was in the first five). Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) wants to leave her sex, shots, skiing and bong-hitting friends to help him find her.
At least last month's slasher reboot, "My Bloody Valentine," had 3-D. "Friday" skimps on suspense and cuts straight to the beheadings.
The only terror here is that this "Friday" will be a hit, and "Friday the 13th" will enjoy another decade as the unluckiest day of the year for horror fans.
PLOT A slasher s on the loose again at Camp Crystal Lake.
CAST Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Aaron Yoo
PLAYING AT Showtimes and tickets at area theaters
BOTTOM LINE This "reboot" tries hard, but it s not all that scary.