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I was trying to remember what made me laugh when Jeff Foxworthy and his “You Might Be a Redneck” jokes came to mind. So here is my riff on his humor.
You know the isolation is getting to you:
When you try to find the news channel on your microwave
watch the screen
and realize it might be your best bet.
When you name all the squirrels in your bird feeder
and the big gray one with the crazy eye named Ralph
starts giving you tips on the stock market
and you believe him.
When you get dressed up for your Zoom cocktail party
and think of your flannel pajamas with polar bears
as “formal wear”
and someone compliments you on them.
When you watch cat videos on YouTube for hours
and you wonder if your cat might also have talent
and you realize your cat is a dog.
When you throw your cash into the washing machine
out of fear that it's carrying the germs of thousands of hands
and add fabric softener
and iron it.
When you stop wearing deodorant
in hopes that it will remind you of Zumba class you're missing
and it feels oddly comforting.
When you finally have time to organize your closets
and you color code your clothes
and then try to alphabetize them.
When you look in the mirror
and think it is FaceTime
with an old stranger
and you introduce yourself.
When you decide that cutting your own hair can't be all that difficult
and your grandkids think you have
a new “silly filter app” on FaceTime
and you write them out of your will … again.
When you run out of hair dye
and think that red and green food color might make brown dye in a pinch
and it does
in a way
and you once again write your grandkids out of your will.
When you finally clean up your bedroom and hang up your clothes
and discover your treadmill
and in a fit of energy
take the clothes off the hangers and cover the damn thing up again.
When your house is so clean
that you pray that the dust bunnies are multiplying
so that you'll have a new generation to chase.
When you pray to the gods of Costco and Stop & Shop
and learn the meaning of eternity.
When you do research on what people did before toilet paper
and wish you had not.
When you watch the laundry bouncing in the clothes dryer
and think it is cable news
and write a compliment to the station.
When you carefully dress and groom for that office meetup
and even remember to press “enhance face” on Zoom
and you see that your smile is nearly as bright
as your Christmas tree blinking over your left shoulder.
When you think that a candlelight dinner might boost your spirits
and you try really hard to “plate”
When you think you'll try meditation
and you need a peaceful place away from your family
so you build an igloo out of toilet paper
and you want to live there forever.
Kathee Shaff Kelson,
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