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'Remember Me' is so bad, forget it (zero stars)

If you've ever been punched in the face while trying to nap, you may understand what it's like to sit through "Remember Me," a dull and soggy romantic drama that, in its final moments, will stop at nothing to force your eyes to water.

Although the film fails on nearly every count - Will Fetters' overstuffed script, Allen Coulter's sepulchral directing, almost everyone's constipated acting - "Remember Me" is, in one sense, a tremendous achievement: The filmmakers managed to shoot outdoors in Manhattan, while their star, Robert Pattinson, was being mobbed by "Twilight" fans. Trying to spot gawkers while Pattinson sulks on a street corner or smokes in Central Park is the most fun you'll have during these two long hours.

Pattinson does a lot of tortured sniffling as Tyler Hawkins, a young man emotionally damaged by his older brother's suicide. His precocious little sister (Ruby Jerins) plays Phoebe to his Holden Caulfield, while their wealthy father (Pierce Brosnan) retreats into the boardroom. Tyler spends much of the movie writing pained entries in a journal - you'll hear every word.

Not enough brooding melodrama for you? When Tyler takes a beating from a surly cop (Chris Cooper), he gets revenge by bedding the guy's daughter, Ally (Emilie de Ravin), but soon falls for her. Still not enough? As a child, Ally witnessed her mother's murder.

Aren't you crying yet? There's more, much more, including a super-shocker, holy-mackerel, oh-the-humanity ending. This much is guaranteed: "Remember Me" will send you from the theater with an overwhelming sense of loss.

PLOT An aimless young man falls in love. Rating PG-13 (language, violence)

CAST Robert Pattinson, Emilie de Ravin, Pierce Brosnan, Chris Cooper.

LENGTH 1:53.

PLAYING AT Area theaters.

BOTTOM LINE Lulls you to sleep for two hours, then drops a surprise ending on your head like a piano.

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