After nearly nine months of hard campaigning, 11 debates, 13 dropouts and growing concern about the rise of a certain Manhattan billionaire, I’ve decided that Donald Trump really is good for America because:
1) He has shown there are many roads to the White House, and that one of them is paved with mud.
2) He reminds us that connecting with voters is so much easier when you express and sympathize with what they’re feeling than if you try to devise real policies to fix it.
3) He has put a spotlight back on defunct Trump University, and given an unexpected voice to all those who were ripped off by it.
4) He is performing a valuable public service by showing just how closely intolerance bubbles beneath the surface in America, and how much work we still have to do to get rid of it.
5) He is going to stop Ted Cruz from being president.
6) His candidacy and constant media presence ensure that spray-tan salons will do a banner business on Halloween.
7) We all like a circus, and the Republican campaign right now is Trump’s clown car.
8) He has expanded the vocabulary for public leaders to include references to genitalia and menstruation, some choice curse words, schlonged and bimbo, scum, dummy, dope, moron, wacko, lightweight, lowlife . . .
9) He is following in the footsteps of some of our Founding Fathers. In the 1800 presidential campaign, Thomas Jefferson called John Adams a “hideous hermaphroditical character” lacking “the force and firmness of a man.” Adams, for the record, called Jefferson “a mean-spirited, low-lived fellow, the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father.” In 1828, John Quincy Adams called Andrew Jackson a savage and Jackson said Adams was a pimp.
10) He has assuaged our own anxieties by making it perfectly clear that we are not the only ones who have problems with numbers.
11) He has inspired the younger generation — like the fans at an Indiana high school basketball game who held up a larger-than-life cutout of his face while chanting “build a wall, build a wall” at opposing fans from a predominantly Hispanic school.
12) He put the Geneva Conventions back in the news by pitching policies (torturing prisoners, killing families of terrorists) that would clearly violate them — before backing down.
13) He has proved once again that a great slogan is always more important than actual ideas.
14) He has brought Mitt Romney back into the public sphere — because, goodness knows, no one can get enough of Mitt Romney.
15) He has shown that the politics of emasculation still can be effective and that being strong is still better than being wise.
16) He has turned a overbearing bully like Chris Christie into a cabin boy and errand runner, and has made Christie’s expressions as he watches Trump speaking much more interesting than Christie’s actual candidacy.
17) He has reminded us of the power of “st” by couching every analysis of every person or situation in that way — best, first, most, worst, least, last, strongest, weakest, biggest, smallest.
18) He has renewed our appreciation of chaos theory, a branch of mathematics that says small changes can create huge impacts in complex systems. Sounds like Trump and the Republicans.
19) He has reminded us of the simple joys of violence, by equating kicking demonstrators out of his rallies with having the most fun and expressing his desire to punch them in the nose.
20) He has utterly destroyed the antiquated notion that leaders must have serious and stoic facial expressions.
21) He has proved that the American dream is very much alive and well. Anybody could become president.
Michael Dobie is a member of Newsday’s editorial board.