The long-awaited clash is finally here: Don and Joe in Oh-hi-oh! Yes, the first presidential debate is upon us — this Tuesday evening, moderated by Fox News’ Chris Wallace. Based on Donald Trump and Joe Biden’s track records, it should go something like this:
Wallace: Welcome gentlemen, and let’s get right to it. Mr. Biden, President Trump told Bob Woodward that he knew COVID-19 was a disaster back in February, yet played it down, with deadly results. What will you do differently?
Trump: That’s nasty!
Biden: Here’s the deal: I’m going to do everything differently.
Wallace: What will you specifically do?
Biden: About what?
Trump: He forgot the question!
Wallace: Mr. Trump, will you outline a serious plan going forward?
Trump: For what?
Biden: His memory’s worse than mine.
Trump: Wrong! Person, woman, man, camera, TV. I aced that test.
Biden: Aced? That’s a test for dementia!
Trump: Fake news! Anyway, I reacted bigly to the China virus. I stopped all flights from China.
Biden: No you didn’t. Anyway, it came from Europe.
Trump: More fake news. Right, Chris?
Wallace: Well, it started in China, but it came to our shores from Europe.
Trump: The Kung Flu?
Biden: That’s racist!
Trump: I’m the least racist person on the planet. My Blacks love me. Right, Chris?
Wallace: You did call some white supremacists "very fine people."
Trump: No I didn’t.
Wallace: It’s on tape.
Trump: Chris, you’re a loser. This is why I wanted Hannity to moderate. Or your dad Mike Wallace. How’s he doing these days?
Wallace: He’s dead.
Trump: Was it the COVID? That’s a nasty disease!
Wallace: Let’s move on. Mr. President, what do you plan to do about climate change, which is contributing to devastating fires in the west?
Trump: I stopped all flights from China.
Wallace: Excuse me?
Trump: People say the fires were set by Chinese arsonists.
Trump: You still here, Sleepy Joe? Why don’t you take a nap, you feeble old coot?
Biden: Feeble? I’ll race you across the stage right now!
Wallace: Gentlemen —
Trump: You’re on. Ready, set, go!
(Biden dashes across the stage; Trump doesn’t move.)
Trump: Look at that idiot.
Biden: You said you wanted to race.
Trump: Me? Never.
Biden: You’re a lying, dog-faced pony soldier!
Wallace: Good night, and good luck to us all.
Playwright Mike Vogel tweets at @mikewrite7.