So here you go:
Best actor: Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo’s performance in “The Subway System Is Owned by New York City.” After repeatedly denying that he’s in any way responsible for the NYC subways, he suddenly reverses gears and declares he’s calling off the L train shutdown.
Best supporting actor: Andrew Byford, whom Cuomo appointed to run NYC Transit. Byford screams, “I will not be steamrolled!” and cites public-safety issues in Cuomo’s plan. Viewers are left to ponder, “Does anyone run the NYC subway system?
Best actress: Cynthia Nixon in “I’m Qualified to Be Governor.” The former “Sex and the City” actress’ political star turn climaxes with her rousing call to amend the Taylor Law, which would allow teachers, cops, transit and sanitation workers to strike and bring the city to a chaotic, screeching halt.
Lifetime Non-Achievement Award: The Metropolitan Transportation Authority board. After decades of stops, starts, screw-ups and squandering millions of our dollars, the MTA finally opens (tada!) three stations of the Second Avenue subway. The next three stops should be rolled out by 2025 — or 2030 — or sometime in the 22nd century.
Animated fantasy (short subject): Mayor Bill de Blasio, in “Yes, I Can Be President!” De Blasio tells reporters that no, he has not ruled out a presidential run because he has a “sense of mission.” I have a sense that he is delusional.
Doug Muzzio, a Baruch College professor of political science, tells the New York Post, “I think his chances on the national level were close to zero,” before Amazon pulled out of the Queens deal. “Now they’re less than zero.”
Speaking of which . . .
The Ralph Nader-Jill Stein Indie Horror Award: Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz’s performance in “I’m Considering Running for President as an Independent!”
If Schultz follows through, this move is virtually guaranteed to put president and living national emergency Donald Trump back in the White House for another four years. Grande stupid!
Follow playwright Mike Vogel at @mikewrite7.