Bad news, America. We have something new to worry about: Canada.
That’s right, creepy clowns and our impending civil war and that rash I noticed on my leg yesterday must now take a back seat to the clear, polite and present danger to our north.
The threat became apparent earlier this week when a Toronto-based creative agency called The Garden launched an unprovoked cyberkindness attack on innocent American internet users.
Using the phrase “Tell America it’s great,” this shadowy Canuck company encouraged Canadians to get on social media and help cheer up Americans who might be feeling beaten down by the brutal 2016 presidential campaign.
The Garden explained its action in a blog post, which was written in English because the native Canadian language is an indiscernible mix of French and beaver grunts: “It’s no secret that America is going through a hard time right now. The election has exposed some pretty scary realities that will likely challenge them for years to come, regardless of who’s elected. They’ve been bombarded with a tremendous amount of negativity and it’s likely that for many of them, the immediate future seems rather bleak.”
I knew right away that I didn’t like where this was headed.
The post continued: “As their closest friends and neighbours, we thought it was important for us to do something to cut through the negativity and help remind them that no matter how bad things might seem, there are a lot of reasons to believe that America is still pretty great.”
First off, it’s spelled “neighbors,” you malicious hockey heads. Second, we have spent the past year being told that America has to be made great again. Why are you trying to mess up our branding?
Using the Twitter hashtag #TellAmericaItsGreat, The Garden tapped into one of Canada’s top natural resources: kindness. (The other is maple syrup.)
That led to tweets like these:
“Your declaration of independence is one of the most beautiful documents ever written.”
“Us Canadians already think you’re amazing! You don’t have to make yourselves great again, you’re already there!”
“Canada cares about you. We think you’re great & we hope for you peace, prosperity & happiness. It’s a small world!”
“Your national parks and trails are amazing. Yellowstone! Appalachian trail! Incredible.”
Like most rational American patriots, these electronic sentiments brought two thoughts immediately to mind:
1) Why didn’t any Canadians say America is great because it’s home to renowned columnist Rex Huppke?
2) Canada is plotting to invade America and steal our awesomeness.
The Garden’s blog post about its insidious ploy concluded: “In the end, the best part of this whole journey so far, has been discovering all of the amazing things about America that we ourselves either didn’t know or hadn’t considered.”
If you read between the lines, that says: “Now that we’ve buttered those chubby Americans up with gooey kindness, we will pounce, take over their amazing things and force them to live in a kinder and more civilized fashion!”
I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that, as I write this column, Mounties atop Canadian black bears are massing at our northern border. We cannot let this unsolicited act of kindness soften our resolve to confront the Canadian menace.
Our very way of life is at stake here. Imagine for a moment if Canada defeated us with its Kindnesskrieg and forced us to abandon our American ideals, like denying people health care and allowing near-unfettered access to high-powered firearms.
I shudder just thinking about it. (I’d get that shudder checked out, but my copay is too high.)
Undoubtedly the mastermind behind this plot is the suspiciously handsome Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. He has shown his disgust for the American way of life in the past year by welcoming refugees into his country and posing with two baby pandas rather than hunting and eating them, as nature intended.
Don’t let his smooth demeanor fool you. That man is a cold and calculating conqueror, and those baby pandas are now probably full-grown and thirsting for the blood of American children.
Our country may not yet be great again, but we must rally at this crucial moment in our not-greatness and launch a pre-emptive military strike on Canada.
The first target should be the nation’s strategic reserves of weaponized puffins. (Adorable, but deadly.) Next we cripple the Canadian economy by taking out the maple trees and poutine factories. Then we send in our not-yet-great-again ground troops.
On second thought, the troops might be seduced by Canada’s equitable health care system, lack of violent crime and overall niceness. Best to not risk it.
We’ll have to just sneak our creepy clowns across the border and let them destroy Canada from within.
Because, as Americans, we must stand up to any outsiders who try to tell America it’s great when Americans are being told by other Americans that America is not great.
That’s the American way.
Something no Canadian could ever understand.
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.