It is time someone got to the bottom of everything that people say about Hillary Clinton. Who is she? More importantly, WHAT is she? I have compiled the following timeline of her life by combining all the actual theories about her. When lined up together, they form quite a biography.
Before Time, Before the Earth Was Made, Before Matter and Being and History: Hillary Clinton (Lucifer, Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, Prince of Darkness, Satan, She Whose Many Names the Cats Scream in the Night) is cast out of heaven for overweening hubris. She is condemned to lie in eternal torment in a lake of fire surrounded by her fallen angels, or, alternatively, to run for a major office while female. For thousands of years she lies outside time, smelling of sulfur, before deciding to undertake the second option.
Oct. 26, 1947: Hillary Clinton, a robot, is constructed by Saul Alinsky, then slipped into a bassinet and delivered to the Rodham house, where it stores its Six Human, Relatable Memories of squeegeeing, family life and honest toil.
Fall 1965: The young Hillary Clinton is replaced by a new model, this one with glasses. It retains only one of the memories, the squeegeeing. It attends Wellesley, where it decorates itself with spectacles and what conservative commentators will later describe as ONE VAST AND HIDEOUS EYEBROW LIKE A CATERPILLAR IN WHICH MANY WELSH MINERS COULD BE TRAPPED AND LOST AS IN A HORRID, THORNY FOREST.
Spring 1969: Hillary Clinton graduates from Wellesley, although first she gets in touch with Alinsky and his mentor, Satan. She fails to mention at the first meeting that she, too, is Satan, and then once they know each other it seems too awkward to bring it up. As a consequence, the Devil mentors Herself for many decades, wasting everyone’s time and effort. She also founds the Islamic State. She will toil for many years in secret on this passion project, keeping it even from Bill, whom she is about to meet. Once, during his presidency, he will ask, “Is there anything I should know about, Hills?” and she will shrug and say, “Nah.” A bit confusingly, she also begins to fight the Islamic State, which she will spend her entire adult life doing.
Fall 1969: At Yale Law School, Hillary meets Bill Clinton, who courts her by staring at her from across the room while their eyes speak the Old, Dead Language of the Darkness Beyond Worlds. She is also a lesbian, who, interestingly, does not let this dissuade her from pursuing numerous heterosexual affairs, for which, although frigid, she has an inexhaustible appetite. It is at this time that she acquires her witch powers (she is also a witch), although her familiar, the cat Socks, will not manifest until the Clinton administration, when she will use him to contact Eleanor Roosevelt.
1969 to present: Hillary accomplishes nothing. Every time she appears to have made progress on a project or contributed to an achievement of any kind, she carefully arranges things in such a way that no one will give her any credit, unless, of course, the thing is negative, in which case she will turn out to be solely responsible.
1975: Bill and Hillary wed. They possess a unique marriage in which both have full and perfect knowledge of the other party’s activities at all times.
1980: Bill Clinton loses the governorship. In consultation with the team of Illuminati, demons and robo-Hitlers who have been supervising Hillary Clinton’s progress thus far, her robotic shell is replaced with another, different one that does not wear glasses and is blonder. The people of Arkansas consider this an improvement, although they complain about its inability to bake.
1992: Bill Clinton is elected president. The era of general prosperity that follows only serves to confirm the fact that Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist (in addition to being a witch, a robot and Satan. Yes, ladies, you can have it all.)
1998: Bill Clinton is impeached. Hillary Clinton goes berserk, throwing lamps, cursing and setting small fires with her eyes. Everyone who wanders into a certain wing of the White House complains of a buzzing sound, like a thousand flies, and a persistent stench of sulfur that will not dissipate. The cat Socks disappears, and the shadowy form of a giant feline in an overcoat is seen stalking the streets near the Treasury before yowling and disappearing into the mist. Beavers attack the cherry blossom trees.
2000: Hillary Clinton is elected senator from New York. Unlike any other senator before or since, she is given a special Deciding Vote that allows her to pass any legislation she wishes (a fact Donald Trump will call attention to during the second debate). Oddly, she chooses never to exercise this power, except to force us into war with Iraq (necessary to support the Islamic State, her pet project). Any reforms or bills that you wanted that did not pass during her years in the Senate were her fault.
2001: Pictures show Rudy Giuliani standing next to Hillary Clinton at ground zero, but he insists years later that she was not there and that he never saw her. This is obviously witchcraft.
2008: Hillary Clinton and her friend invent the birther movement, which Donald Trump will spend the next eight years trying to quash. She loses the presidency to Fellow Antichrist Barack Obama after a secret game of rock/paper/scissors/thousand-razor-sharp-tentacles but is glad for the opportunity to become secretary of state and give her fledgling Islamic State a chance to soar. She has also been murdering people every year — just, like, constantly murdering them — but no one says anything about it since she is female.
2012: Hillary Clinton deliberately orchestrates even MORE murders and treasons this year, most prominently in Benghazi. This is also the year when she pens numerous smoking-gun emails, explaining her deep loathing for the American people, desire to ruin the country, complete incompetence in making deals, deathly illness, inability to get anything done, the fact that everything that has transpired in the United States in her lifetime has been the result of her ingenious and diabolical schemes, and how these statements are not contradictory. Unfortunately, she deletes these VERY carefully.
2013: Hillary Clinton vanishes into hibernation to meditate and shed her lizard-skin. (She is also a lizard-person, in addition to being a Nameless, Timeless Evil.) Just to add difficulty to her next run as president, she decides to cultivate several Very Serious Medical Ailments, including but not limited to at least eight strokes, dropsy and the King’s Evil. This is hard to pull off because she is a robot, but she is committed.
2015: Hillary Clinton resumes her quest for the presidency. First, though, she meets with an International Banking Conglomerate to solidify the plan for the New World Order.
2016: Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination by deliberately suppressing the votes of all Bernie Sanders supporters. Frankly, it is a miracle we even know there WERE such things as Sanders supporters. Also, she orchestrates the murder of Justice Antonin Scalia. She activates a spell cast on Donald Trump decades before at his wedding, which causes everything that comes out of his mouth to sound like the racist, sexist ramblings of a deranged conspiracy theorist. Trump tries valiantly to lay all her activities bare to the American people, but people cannot hear his truth through Hillary Clinton’s powerful cloud of witchcraft, which she uses to summon women everywhere whom he has wronged.
2017: Hillary Clinton takes office. Her first act is to replace the entire Supreme Court with a series of corporations cleverly disguised beneath large robes. She sheds her robot-witch exterior and resumes her beastly form, flying up over the White House, engulfing everything beneath in a deep shadow, and ending the American way of life as we know it.
Everyone was right about her all along.
Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”