Donald Trump’s victory speech, loosely paraphrased:
Barron, my boy, this is quite expected.
There was never going to be any other outcome. I knew: All I had to do was want it.
Son, never let anyone tell you that your dream is impossible. Never let them tell you that the white Christian son of a millionaire cannot grow up to be the next president of the United States! In fact, we are practically the only ones who ever have! (Legitimately, that is.)
Listen, this is America. This is a land of dreamers, and you can dream big.
People always tell you that all you have to do is work hard and believe in yourself, and you can accomplish anything. That’s a lie. You don’t have to work hard.
You don’t need to study or prepare or even read a single book. If you want to, you can read “All Quiet on the Western Front,” but you don’t even have to do that! It’s not important. All you have to do is BELIEVE! This also makes a great substitute for vaccines.
You don’t need to prepare for anything. Preparation clogs the mind and slows the reflexes. Prepare, and you start to spout facts, and if there is one thing I know about people, it is that they hate facts. Especially facts that contradict what they already believe.
You don’t need them. Facts are for people who aren’t famous, whose every word is not immediately worthy of trust. Not you. You can just say things, and they become true.
Yes, my son, just have confidence! That’s the only trick. You don’t even really need to have money. Well, some helps. But only to start. Afterward, all you need to have is the BELIEF that you have money, and then people will just let you spend whatever you would like.
Don’t worry about other people. They are not real on the inside, like you are, which is why you do not have to bother with watching their stories in cinemas or reading the books they have written. Forget books, anyhow. You don’t need to know any of the things that are in books to become the president, like who Abe Lincoln was or what he did. I don’t, and look at me!
All you need is confidence. Anything you want can be yours. Anyone you want can be yours. Nothing you do will be punished. You can touch people anywhere. Why shouldn’t you? Kiss anyone. You don’t need to ask. You can have anything you want. You deserve it. People. Things. Places. They exist for you. They are your oyster. You can also have any oysters you want, although shellfish is icky.
There are no limits. If people say, “You need training to do that” or “You need experience” or “At a bare minimum you should know what the Constitution says” — don’t listen! Those people are full of negativity, and they are just trying to keep you down. Rules are for other people. The world is your birthright.
This whole campaign, the People Who Knew Better, were always telling me to do something different. They were wrong. I was right. Trust your gut. Shoot from the hip. Literally. You can shoot a man and get away with it. I wish I had, just to show you. You are invincible!!! Impossible is nothing.
You don’t have advantages. Or rather, you have advantages, but they are all things you have earned. When the world simply hands you something — safety, trust, responsibility, wealth — it is because of your innate excellence. You are simply that wonderful. Never doubt this. This world belongs to you and everyone else exists for your convenience.
See the White House? You can live there. You are the sort of person who deserves to live there. You and people who looked like you, back generations. All you have to do is wake up one morning and decide that’s what you want to do, then: poof!
Dream big. It will come true, I promise! Dreams always do.
You can do anything you dream of, my boy! You and all the other little boys just like you! Watch. Learn.
That’s the beauty of America. It belongs to you.
Still, in spite of everything, it belongs to you.
Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”