I am so sorry that I am writing about Donald Trump every day. I did not ask for this life, either. It does not bring me any more pleasure than it brings you. HOWEVER:

The Washington Post recently studied the sexual history of Donald Trump and concluded that he could go “from playboy to president” (which was, I think, the cover story of every magazine in the 1950s, generally with a man with Bryl-creamed hair on the cover who resembled Don Draper).

If it feels outdated, that’s because it is. But it’s also familiar. Trump is a bit of a relic, but he benefits from this fact.

We’ve all been at Thanksgiving with that guy. He’s the last hurrah of an older version of the American dream, where women were not just people striving for the same things as you but a cool sort of door prize that you got when you obtained enough wealth and status.

There’s something almost nostalgia-inducing about the guy in a smoking jacket who shows up with a stunner on each arm, the three wives as a signal that you really made it. The “playboy billionaire” is something you see in musicals on trans-Atlantic liners. He’s from another era, when women were conquests, the era Trump is trying to bring back.

We’ve come a long way, but in this area especially, the double standard persists. He gets to be a stud. She gets to be a slut.

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You would not see an article along the lines of, “A Woman Slept With Lots Of People And It Was Terrific And Good For Her Business Brand, But Now We Wonder If People Might Use It Against Her?” But we live at the tipping point where Trump, 69, can still have and eat his cake simultaneously.

If this story had been written about a woman, it would just consist of Trump being pelted with mud and walking through a big crowd of people shouting “SHAME! SHAME!” while someone rang a bell at intervals.

I don’t enjoy being the Feminist Killjoy who wanders around with a big mallet whacking joy whenever it rears its head, but let’s just picture for a moment how this story might read if Donald Trump were female:


Donald Trump rues the day she was on the cover of Playboy, but it is TOO LATE for her disgrace to be hidden from the world.

The TRUMP OF BABYLON’s reputation for easy virtue, which proved so detrimental to Trump’s business career after Trump was spotted at nightclubs with MULTIPLE different people in the course of multiple evenings, has been hard for the business executive to shake.

A careful study of the times that Donald Trump talked to Howard Stern reveals that Harlot Donald Trump may have had a different amount of sex than Donald initially claimed. This is bad! Any amount of sex that a woman has is incorrect, thanks to something called the Madonna-Whore complex, which is basically the Schrödinger’s Cat problem, but if all cats were required to be simultaneously alive and dead at all times or we would judge them harshly in locker rooms and the media.

One thing is for certain: Donald Trump has had the wrong amount of sex.

Trump’s initial image as a SHAMEFUL HARLOT who had so many partners that she barely had time to sleep, Trump now claims, is erroneous. But it is too late to undo the damage. Trump has been linked to DOZENS, which is definitely not the right number. Trump now claims that all those times when she was ostensibly out with supermodels, she was actually at home eating a Hershey bar, like some sort of Liz Lemon gone to seed, but this, too, is bad. Did no one want her? What was the matter with her? Had she not exfoliated properly? (The exact number of partners must not exceed or be less than the Golden Mean for girls, an ever-shifting value that varies by wind, time, age, zodiac sign, area code and a randomly generated alphanumeric sequence.)

AGING TROLLOP Donald Trump constantly surrounded herself with attractive young men, like some sort of hideous creeper. She even built a pool for them (desperate, much?) and would bring them in by limo. FRANTIC COUGAR FLOOZY Jezebel Trump even bought control of a contest to judge which young, impressionable men looked the best, just to give her a chance to be around them when they were not wearing many clothes, which was frankly embarrassing and pathetic for her to be doing.

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Trump even dared to criticize men’s looks, which is just rich coming from her (although her voice ceased to be audible to men once she turned 40, so it did not matter what she said).

We are not writing this article about Donald Trump because with this reputation it is inconceivable that Donald Trump would run for president.

Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”