An exclusive look at the Trump Family Christmas Newsletter:
Dear family and friends, except any of you loser dopes who have said anything bad about me this year, you're low-energy and pathetic and it's really a wonder anybody likes you, you're so unlikable.
What a year it has been! I mean, really, just a big, great, amazing year. You don't get years like this anymore, you know what I mean? I dunno. We just don't have good years like we used to. I don't know what's going on.
But this year. This year has been great and the greatest thing to happen this year has been me running for president and getting people to believe -- so many people, it's really remarkable -- that we can MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. It's on the hat, you've seen the hat. It's a great hat and you'll all be getting one, except for the low-energy dopes I mentioned earlier, they don't deserve hats. They get no hats.
But the rest of you will get hats and you'll get them because you know -- you know! -- that we have so many problems in this country.
This Christmas newsletter ... you see I used the word "Christmas" there, the politically correct people, they're gonna be on me about that. Cause you can't say Merry Christmas anymore, right? You just can't. Well guess what? I'm not politically correct and I say what the people are thinking and what the people are thinking is "Merry Christmas" and so that's what we're going to say in this Christmas newsletter, which is going to be such a beautiful thing, you'll see.
So there. Boom. I said it. Merry Christmas.
We have so many problems in this country, and that's one big thing that happened in the Trump family this year. I figured out that there's something wrong. I don't know what it is, but I can feel it. I mean, honestly, look at this guy coming around at Christmas, big fat loser who just comes in from wherever, he says it's the North Pole but I don't believe that. We don't know where this guy is coming from or what he wants, but we know he's passing over our borders easily. Does he mean us harm? Is he radicalized? We don't know. Our government doesn't know. They can't screen for that.
We're not safe. We're not safe with this guy, this radical coming in here, sneaking into our homes, judging our children. People don't want you to talk about him, they say you can't say anything bad about Santa Claus, you have to be nice, you have to be politically correct, or he'll put you on a list. What is this list? When I proposed a list for Muslims everyone got mad, why does this guy get a list?
Look, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking. Who is this guy? He's from another country, we know nothing about his culture, he's got these elves. You gonna sit here and tell me those elves aren't weird? THEY'RE WEIRD! Who has elves. Are they Christian? No. Doubt it. Why does their leader have a beard? I mean, c'mon, this is simple logic. We have to keep our country safe.
What I've proposed is a temporary ban on Santa Claus, reindeer, flying sleighs and elves. Just until we can get our hands around this issue. They call him a "jolly old elf" -- and I have many elf friends, they're beautiful people, I have so many great friends who are elves, I've rented apartments to many elves, they love me and we get along great, they have adorable ears -- but obviously there's a lot we don't know about these people.
So in conclusion, it has been a great year -- really the best year, I'd say, and I know.
I hope you and your family win in 2016, and you will as long as you vote for me for president because I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
Merry Christmas, except to the dopes.
-- Donald J. Trump and family
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.