Oh, how I wanted last night's Oscars to be entertaining. Oy, that went out the window once I saw Billy Crystal's hair color. What was up with that?
In any case, the boredom from last night won't halt our annual tradition of the baseball Oscars. As always, we present these in the order they were presented last night, and we skip the documentaries.
Cinematography: Robinson Cano, who managed to transform the Home Run Derby from the standard snoozefest to a suspenseful, dramatic event.
Art direction: A tie between Citizens Bank Park and Progressive Field, both of which hosted hockey games (the NHL Winter Classic in Philly and the Frozen Diamond Faceoff - a college game between Michigan and Ohio State - in Cleveland).
Costume design: The Twins honored their Hall of Famer Harmon Killebrew, who died last May, by wearing 1961 throwback uniforms for all of their remaining home games.
Makeup: Let's make this a career achievement award and give it to Derek Jeter. From what people say, he never would've sniffed 3,000 hits if not for his makeup (his talent probably helped, too).
Foreign language: Yu Darvish dominated his Japanese competition so much that the Rangers shrugged off the uneven history of pitchers from his country and invested over $100 million in him.
Supporting actress: Minka Kelly participated in an HBO film about Jeter's pursuit of 3,000 hits, only to part ways with Jeter shortly after. They reportedly reunited over the winter.
Film editing: OK, who was responsible for taking 2011 Bartolo Colon and making him look just like 2005 Bartolo Colon? Oh, right, this guy.
Sound editing: The Cardinals lost Game 5 of last year's World Series largely because of communications problems with the bullpen phone at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington.
Sound mixing: Jose Reyes stunned Mets fans into silence, leaving them with very mixed emotions, when he departed the last game of 2011 after just one at-bat _ in an attempt to win the National League batting title. He succeeded, but many fans were hoping to salute him all game and wish him well.
Animated feature: AJ. Burnett won two years ago for his "walkoff pie" shtick. This time, he wins because he got his superiors animated, whether it was Brian Cashman urging people to "smoke the objective pipe" or Joe Girardi adamantly denying that he and Burnett exchanged words following yet another lousy Burnett start.
Visual effects: The Tigers. It's not that Justin Verlander didn't put together a superb 2011 season; he did. But what made it seem all the more impressive was the way the Tigers were constructed. Detroit didn't have another reliable starting pitcher in the first four months of the season, so Verlander received the opportunity to end many losing streaks, building his case for the AL Cy Young and MVP honors.
Supporting actor: Ryan Braun. No, I don't know for sure what happened. But what a story! And what a performance by Braun, all the way through.
Original score: Cardinals 10, Rangers 9, 11 innings: World Series Game 6. Game of the year.
Original song: "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO. Why not? You hear it at ballparks all the time.
Adapted screenplay: For the second straight year, the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez and Philadelphia's Ryan Howard both made their teams' season-concluding outs.
Original screenplay: It has to be the Braun saga. Who saw that ending coming?
Live action short: When ALDS Game 1 between the Tigers and Yankees got suspended by rain in the second inning at Yankee Stadium, it created a slew of intriguing plotlines, none better than the Yankees needing to start Burnett for Game 4 - which he won.
Animated short: At "Seinfeld Night" at Citi Field last year, Jerry Stiller sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." It wasn't actually a fun cartoon. It just felt like it.
Director: St. Louis general manager John Mozeliak bought low on Lance Berkman, traded Colby Rasmus for multiple useful pieces and oversaw a fruitful farm system, all of which helped Tony La Russa retire as a defending champion.
Actor: Hit with a death sentence in the form of brain cancer, Gary Carter inspired us with his battle and, in his death, urged us to never give up.
Actress: Former Yankees assistant GM Kim Ng left the same job at the Dodgers to become Major League Baseball's senior vice president of baseball operations, and she's now sharing Joe Torre's former responsibilities with Joe Garagiola Jr. and Peter Woodfork. A deserved spotlight for someone who has put in her time in the trenches.
Film: "Moneyball." Duh.
--Here's my column from yesterday on the Nationals' Bryce Harper, whom Washington manager Davey Johnson is seriously considering as a starting player. Even though Harper is just 19.
--I'll check back in later today.