THE WORD is, Michael Jordan will return and play for the Charlotte
Hornets. You look at your calendar and realize what day it is. You will
not be fooled this April 1st.
Unfortunately for basketball fans, the Jordan-to-Hornets report is
wishful thinking. It qualifies as one of several April Fool's jokes you
wish were true. Like these:
Jordan Buys Islanders: In an unusual move but a welcome one for
suffering Long Island hockey fans, Jordan wrests control of the NHL's
most pathetic franchise. This became possible when Howard Milstein
followed his heart, which was never in Uniondale, and bought the
"I don't know much about hockey," Jordan said with a shrug,
"but I sure won't run this team the way a slumlord would."
Jordan said his immediate plans are to fire Mike Milbury, steal
Scotty Bowman and build a new arena.
McGwire Gives Up Andro: Determined to go for a "clean" run this
time, Mark McGwire has announced he no longer will use the controversial
supplement androstendeione. McGwire said the obscenely heavy influence
he carries with Little Leaguers was a factor in his decision to stop
taking the juice. McGwire said he hopes to hit 20 homers this season.
Vitale Grows a Backbone: College basketball commentator Dick
Vitale has stopped snuggling up to every coach. Vitale said he will be
more objective and will stop playing his audience for suckers. The new
Vitale said Bob Knight is "a not-for-P-T-Per who should've given up the
rock years ago," said Roy Williams "can flat-out not coach in March" and
called Bob Huggins "a crybaby, a real diaper dandy."
Olympic Chief Resigns: Embarrassed by the payola scandal that
has infiltrated his administration, IOC head Juan Antonio Samaranch said
he will step down immediately. Samaranch said he feels personally
responsible for the mess caused when IOC members accepted gifts from the
Salt Lake City committee. He added that, as president, he should be held
accountable, even though he admits no wrongdoing. Samaranch plans to
settle into retirement at a mountaintop mansion he recently purchased in
Park City, Utah.
Micheal Ray Richardson Signs 10-Day Contract: The Nets,
desperately reaching for any solution for their miserable season, will
bring a former player back for a look. Richardson is 43 and has spent
Jupiter and Mars.
On his first day, Richardson took one look at the condition of
the Nets, a team once believed to be on the rise, and used a line he
made famous years ago: "The ship be sinking."
the Giants admitted their goof and reversed an earlier decision to sign
mistake was spending only five minutes investigating Collins' checkered
past. They agreed to terminate the contract once they saw the
quarterback's highlights since he led Carolina to the NFC Championship
Game in January, 1997. That footage, too, lasted just five minutes.
Holyfield Joins Priesthood: Boxing champ Evander Holyfield,
citing a higher calling, has decided to leave the ring for good.
Holyfield said he needed to find another avenue to express his deep
devotion to religion. Among the values Holyfield cites in his new job is
abstinence, which can help prevent children being born out of wedlock,
which Holyfield insists is morally wrong.
Eugenia Williams Undergoes Corrective Surgery: Williams, one of
three judges with an obstructed view of all 12 rounds of the
Holyfield-Lennox Lewis fight, was successfully treated for cataracts
yesterday. During pre-surgery testing, doctors discovered Williams had
trouble spotting Rick Majerus when the Utah coach stood in front of her.
Once her sight was restored, she was promptly fired by Don King.
Doctors are planning a similar procedure for NFL referee Phil
Clippers Sold: An era of incompetence finally ended when Donald
Sterling agreed to unload the Clippers. Ever since they moved to L.A.
from San Diego in 1983, the Clippers have been the disgrace of the NBA,
firing coaches, bungling draft decisions and fumbling away free agents.
Sterling said the team deserved to be in the hands of a caring,
attentive and devoted owner, and that's why he decided to sell to Howard
Artest Delays NBA: Sophomore Ron Artest has chosen to put his dream
of professional basketball on hold and return to St. John's for at least
another year. Artest said although he has thought long and hard about
the NBA, he thought a lot longer and harder about that Ohio State game.
"My family's needs can wait," Artest said. "What's best for me is
to continue my education, enhance my knowledge of the world and to
improve my basketball skills. The NBA doesn't need another raw hopeful
who'll do nothing but get on-the-job training while fans pay premium
prices. That's why the game is so shoddy today."
Duke's Elton Brand, citing the UConn game, reportedly will stay
in school as well.
Tyson Reaches Out to King: Disgraced boxer Mike Tyson, speaking
by phone from the big house, said he intends to repair his fractured
relationship with promoter Don King. The split occurred when Tyson
accused King of bilking him of millions the last time he was
incarcerated. Tyson said he telephoned King last week and offered an
olive branch, which King quickly accepted. King is scheduled to hold a
jailhouse meeting with Tyson today.
On second thought, someone already pulled that prank.