Ask Amy

Ask Amy: What's appropriate for a second wedding?

November 4, 2009 By AMY DICKINSON askamy@tribune.com

Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson, Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.

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DEAR AMY: I am a 28-year-old divorced mother of one. Six years ago, I was married in a traditional wedding ceremony that included a 200-person reception, white dress and all the extras. The marriage lasted only two years. I now have a boyfriend who has never been married. We talk a lot about a future together, and I really believe he's the one. The problem? He wants a big, traditional wedding, and I think that is tacky because I have been married before. However, I do understand that he hasn't been, and I don't think it's fair that he suffer because of my past. Is it OK for us to have a big second wedding? What about the color of my dress? (I have told him it would have to be cream, but he says he wants white.) Can I tell my relatives and friends that I do not want gifts, leaving the gift-giving to his side? This is very confusing to me, and I would like to figure this out before any type of engagement. I assume everyone will be asking me these questions!Second Time AroundDEAR SECOND TIME: It's fine and fun to have a big second wedding. (I had one recently myself, though I waited so long between marriages that the memories of the first wedding had grown dim.) You may not, however, ask one group of guests to bring gifts and another group of guests not to. Also, you (not your guy) should decide on the color of your dress.

Wedding planning offers a grand opportunity for you and your guy to talk, negotiate and design the ideal way for you to join your two families.

You shouldn't be bound by too many rules as you contemplate your second wedding, but you must be mindful that you are planning a future together that includes a child. Your child will be the most important person at the ceremony.

One guide you might like is, "Getting Married When It's Not Your First Time: An Etiquette Guide and Wedding Planner," by Pamela Hill Nettleton (Harper Paperbacks).

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