An unwanted advance from her pal's husband

Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson, Ask Amy Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.

bio | email

DEAR AMY: This New Year's Eve, my best friend's husband acted inappropriately toward me. I didn't say anything; I just shrugged off his advance and left, and I haven't seen him since. This man has never acted this way before, and he was very intoxicated at the time. I'm certainly not excusing his actions, but I wonder if his offense merits a response, either to him or to his wife. Last year, I cheated on my husband, regretted it, came clean, and have worked hard to rebuild my marriage. I will never do that again. I wonder if my friend's husband knows about my indiscretion and if he thinks I am "easy" now. I also worry that he might be acting this way toward other women and may be successful if I don't say anything. But if I do say something to my friend, will the damage be irreparable? I want to look out for my friend, but I'm not sure I can face the consequences of reporting this. What would you advise?

Soberly ReflectingDEAR SOBER: You should respond to this -- partly because it is still bothering you (it's pretty challenging to successfully "shrug off" an unwanted advance) and partly because the person who did this should be given a verbal smack in the kisser.

He needs to be put on notice that this is unacceptable, drunk or sober.

You're an adult. Put into words what bothers you. Speak with the offender, not his wife.

Contact him and say, "I know you were very drunk on New Year's Eve. You came on to me, and I want you to know that I don't like it. You need to make sure this never happens again."

I give you 95 percent odds that this man will say he is unaware of his actions, and in his embarrassment he may lash out to blame you.

Don't allow yourself to be drawn into a conversation about your behavior. This is about him.