At 16, she asks, 'When is sex a rape?'

Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson, Ask Amy Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.

bio | email

DEAR AMY: Recently, I was shopping and ran into one of my older brother's friends. He is 19, I am 16. I was attracted to him. He invited me to his house and I went. He kissed me. I wanted to make out with him, but I did not want to go all the way and told him so. We made out. I wanted to stop. I wanted only to kiss him. We ended up having sex. I didn't say "stop" out loud. I kept thinking, "Stop! Stop! Stop!" But I didn't say it. I don't know why. I felt scared and shy. He didn't do anything to scare me. I just felt too scared to say stop. I felt stupid. My mom's friend said I was raped. She said: "You told him you didn't want to go all the way. He's older than you. He should know better." She said a girl has to say "yes," and if a girl doesn't say yes and has sex, then she was raped. Was I raped? I don't want to go to the police. I just want to know the answer.Super Sad

DEAR SAD: Your mother's friend is right. Though there are different legal definitions of rape in different states, you did not give your consent to have sex. And in some states, you are younger than the age of consent. In fact, you said -- out loud -- that you didn't want to. You were scared. You were in his house, he is older than you. I'm assuming you have never had to deal with anything like this before.

I am so sorry this happened. Your confusion is common to people who have been through this. You need STD and pregnancy testing. (Planned Parenthood can provide testing and counseling; check

plannedparenthood.org for your local clinic.) Go to the police to get their advice about what to do. This guy must not walk around thinking what he's done is OK. Your story may help others.

For more support and information, you can check the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network hotline at rainn.org or call 800-656-4673. They now have an "online hotline" where you can chat with a counselor 24/7.