She fears her husband is gay and may leave

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Amy Dickinson, Ask Amy Ask Amy

Amy Dickinson is a general advice columnist.

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DEAR AMY: I worry that my husband of 20 years is gay and will eventually divorce me. We have three children. We both want a stable family life, but I just can't help thinking that our lackluster marriage will eventually end. I have no proof of any homosexual actions, but my husband has been growing ever more distant. I have voiced suspicions of his orientation at times (he has gay family members), but he denies it. Intimacy always has to be initiated by him, and it may only occur once or twice a month. We've been to marriage counseling, but we made no progress. The main problem for me is the lack of affection from him. It seems he prefers to avoid me by working late hours. We cope by pretending there are no issues. He is a hardworking, nice guy so he is not unbearable. I work part time and cannot support myself at this time. Is there something I should be doing?

--Worried Wife

DEAR WIFE: Questioning your husband's sexuality because he is distant from you will cause him to be defensive and will not yield a truthful answer.

Try counseling again with a simple goal of honest and open communication (rather than forcing the larger issue).

The best way to secure your future is to be brave enough to stand independently. If you don't want your marriage to be the way it is, then challenge your husband to work with you to change it. If he refuses to make an effort, then you have a decision to make -- to be self-supporting and independent.

 

DEAR AMY: I had to laugh out loud when I read the letter from "Under Pressure in D.C.," whose 3-year-old son carried his blanket around! I'm 55 years old and still have my blanket. It has been repaired by my grandma, borrowed by friends who faced crises, traveled Europe and Mexico, and celebrates with me on my birthday.

My blanket is a tattered wreck now, but I intend to frame it with a little hammer to break the glass in case of emergency! Blanketed in Seattle