Punchlines

March 6, 2008

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Everyone is so concerned where all the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in the Panama Canal Zone. Hillary was born outside Chicago. And if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Dmitry Medvedev has won the Russian presidential election with 70 percent of the vote. In a related story, 30 percent of the Russian population is about to be executed."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "John McCain said his remark that we would be in Iraq 100 years was misunderstood. He pointed out that for him, 100 years isn't all that long."

Leno on President Bush's announcement that America is not headed into a recession: "Especially if you own an oil company."

David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Los Angeles' tap water was voted the tastiest in the United States. I like New York City tap water. I like that you can blow the head off it."

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "A photo has been circulating of Barack Obama in a turban. This should actually help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers."

Barach on New Jersey making hand-held cell phones illegal for calls and text messages while driving: "Most New Jersey drivers will still be able to communicate to other drivers with the traditional finger."