Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: J recently wrote this about another blogger: "She can either aim for a healthy weight and, as a result, attract more men, or stay fat and realize she'll have to pick through a smaller number of men. It's pointless to waste time and energy justifying and rationalizing about the way things should be." Then J complained that all of the good, physically fit women are taken. J needs to spend some time working, with the help of a professional, on his thought processes to become the mentally and emotionally fit man many women want. The women are out there. And many of them have the opposite complaint that J has: There are so many more single women than there are single men. From the Single File blog

DEAR BLOGGER: The real goal is to get into a condition that pleases little ol' you. Yes, it's a good goal to have drawing power with the other sex, but it's you whose private thoughts bubble up as your head hits the pillow each night. If you're not pleased with the way your life is going, then promise yourself you'll change things. We know when we're not happy; it's what we do about it that changes the future.

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As for the larger number of single women, maybe we're evolving toward multiple wives for men. The wheel may be rolling toward polyamory. Comments?

DEAR SUSAN: My partner isn't my "type," yet our relationship is more loving than any other relationship I've been in. Height, weight and hair color are attributes that make up physical attractiveness, but they may be part of someone who isn't compatible with you by any other measure. And often, a person's actions in the bedroom may be a lot more exciting than their appearance. From the Single File blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Couldn't agree more. There is a "type" that initially attracts, but more than once, that sexy shell has proved to be disappointing. Venturing beyond one's preferred type takes courage, but courage is the passport to some of the most outrageous goals.

In my experience, it's proved to be a way of widening my social world. The man I'm remembering was sitting next to me at a political meeting. He was overweight and a bit sweaty, but I could almost feel his brain spinning. I learned he was trained as a physicist and was starting up a small business. He helped mightily to launch my career but soundly broke my heart. I learned much in that relationship, as hurtful as it turned out to be, but promised myself always to look beyond packaging. Not always easy to do, I admit. The conclusion? Stay out of type, and once you find a lover, encourage a slow courtship.