How to Prepare Your Money and Mind for a Breakup

Breaking up sucks — even if it’s necessary and you’re better off without them. Emotions loom large and life changes. Your to-do list fills up with loaded logistics, like figuring out who gets the cat or how the heck you’ll afford to live alone.

We don’t know what to tell you about the cat, but we can speak to the financial aspect. After all, splitting can get sticky if you and your partner share money in some way or rely on each other financially.

If you’re married, learn how to prepare your money for divorce. If you’re not married, here’s guidance for detangling your finances.

Acknowledge emotions

 Feelings can influence behaviors and decisions, says Alex Melkumian, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of the Financial Psychology Center in Los Angeles.

For example, if you’re furious at your partner, you may do whatever it takes to quickly leave the relationship. That may mean conceding the cat and apartment. Or if you’re worried you’ll be financially insecure on your own, you may stay in an unhappy relationship.

A note about that: When a partner uses money for power and control, they’re entering financial abuse territory. Forms of financial abuse, “include tactics to conceal information, limit the victim’s access to assets or reduce accessibility to the family finances,” according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Learn more on the NNEDV website.

Manage those feelings

If you’re not experiencing abuse but feel that emotions are clouding your judgment, first acknowledge your inner critic. That voice “can be really discouraging, judgmental and shameful,” Melkumian says.

Perhaps your inner critic berates you for choosing the wrong person or for buying a car with them, for example.

Your inner critic also “over-exaggerates the importance of every small decision,” he adds. The voice may insist that if you don’t get something just right, your life will be ruined.

Melkumian has some of his clients speak these critiques aloud. Try it, and ideally you’ll hear how mean and unfair that voice is.

Also, beware of sacrificing too much in this breakup in an effort to “keep the peace,” says Kaylin Dillon, a Lawrence, Kansas-based certified financial planner focused on couples and families.

“Your future self is counting on you to think about your best interest,” she says.

Take inventory of your money

Getting organized can help you determine next steps Dillon says. So log into your financial accounts, and note the following:

• Recurring expenses. Distinguish those you share and those you or your partner pay solo, Dillon says.
• Assets. These are things you own that have monetary value, such as a house, car, stocks or bank accounts. Note which assets are in your name, which are in your partner’s name and which (if any) are shared, says Sally Boyle, a Hanover, New Hampshire-based CFP and certified divorce financial analyst.
• Net worth. This is your assets minus liabilities, or money you owe, such as debts and loan balances. Log this number, too, Boyle says.

If you and your partner feel you can tackle this exercise together, do so. Schedule time for it, so you can feel mentally and emotionally prepared.

“ address disparities in net worth, she says, and how to handle other tricky situations, like shared assets, says Boyle.

Consult professionals

Who can help? Dillon says a financial planner or budget coach can help you understand your money.

If emotions slow you down, Boyle suggests a financial therapist. Her divorce clients often try mediation.

An attorney can be helpful if you two share major assets, but Boyle notes they can be pricey.

Above all, aim for optimism.

“It’s a hard pill to swallow to say ‘OK, it didn’t work this time.’” Melkumian says. “But there will be another time.”