Chrissy Teigen not happy about being in the 'cancel club'

Chrissy Teigen expressed a sense of desperation in an Instagram post Wednesday, writing that the controversy over her years-ago online bullying, for which she has apologized, continues to weigh on her darkly.

"Iiiii don't really know what to say here … just feels so weird to pretend nothing happened in this online world but feel ... [badly] in real life," Teigen wrote. "Going outside ... doesn't feel right, being at home alone with my mind makes my depressed head race," continued the model and cookbook author, 35. "But I do know that however I'm handling this now isn't the right answer."

Teigen, wife of Grammy Award-winning singer and "The Voice" coach John Legend, went on to say that she feels "lost and need to find my place again, I need to snap out of this, I desperately wanna communicate with you guys instead of pretending everything is okay. I'm not used to any other way!!"

In a May 10 interview with The Daily Beast, the nonbinary media personality Courtney Stodden, 26, said celebrities including Teigen, Joy Behar and Courtney Love had denounced them publicly, characterizing the then-teen glamour model as opportunistic and attention-seeking. Teigen in particular "wouldn't just publicly tweet about wanting me to take 'a dirt nap' but would privately DM [direct message] me and tell me to kill myself."

Two days after that interview was published, Teigen apologized on Twitter, saying in part, "I'm mortified and sad at who I used to be. I was an insecure, attention seeking troll. I am ashamed and completely embarrassed at my behavior but that is nothing compared to how I made Courtney feel." Teigen expanded on her apology to Stodden, as well as to others she had bullied online years earlier, in a more than 1,100-word Medium.com essay on June 14, but she remains dogged by critical social-media commenters.

"Cancel club is a fascinating thing and I have learned a whollllle lot," Teigen wrote Wednesday. "Only a few understand it and it's impossible to know til [sic] you're in it. And it's hard to talk about it in that sense because obviously you sound whiney when you've clearly done something wrong. ... There is no winning. But there never is here anyhow."

Expressing gratitude to friends and fans, she concluded by saying that she is "tired of being sick with myself all day. I don't even know if it's good to say any of this because it's gonna get brutally picked apart but I dunno. I can't do this ... [social-media silence] anymore! If you or someone you know has also been canceled please let me know if there is a cancel club reunion because I could use some time off my couch! Thank u and goodbye I love u."