'After Earth' review: Not even Will Smith can survive

Will Smith and his son, Jaden Smith, play interstellar versions of themselves in "After Earth," a post-apocalyptic adventure film from writer-director M. Night Shyamalan. "I'd heard stories of Earth," says Jaden, playing a young space-ranger. "A paradise, until we destroyed it."

"After Earth" could have been a paradise for summer moviegoers. The elder Smith is one of the most appealing movie stars in the universe, while Jaden (2010's "The Karate Kid") is growing into a tall, lanky, handsome teen. They play a cold military father, Cypher Raige, and his sensitive son, Kitai, who crash-land on an abandoned Earth dominated by super-evolved wildlife. So far, so OK, at least. So why does "After Earth" feel like the opposite of entertainment?

"After Earth" isn't just chaotic and desperate -- and grindingly slow -- it's also lazy. The futuristic United Ranger Corps is still sporting high-and-tight haircuts and snapping salutes, while the spaceships are the usual jumble of holographic displays. As for Earth's hyper-advanced baboons and tigers -- essentially Jaden's supporting cast -- they're vaguely rendered and without personality.

Someone on this film must also answer for creating one of the worst future-accents in sci-fi history. Reaching for regal Brit-speak but falling nearer to a Kentucky drawl, it renders the dialogue unintelligible or accidentally hilarious. "Inject yo self, di-rectly into yo haht," Cypher commands his poisoned son. The younger Smith fares worse, since many of his lines consist of two words: "Yes, suh."

With Will Smith barely on screen, Jaden must carry "After Earth" by himself, but it's an impossible task. It's a massive, disintegrating planet of a movie that nobody could survive.

SEE PHOTOS'The Hangover' & 11 more Sin City movies