'G.I. Joe: Retaliation' review: Action doesn't figure
Channing Tatum, left, and Dwayne Johnson in a scene from "G.I. Joe: Retaliation." Credit: AP
Back in 2009, Hasbro followed its "Transformers" hits with another toy-based, hoo-ra extravaganza, "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra." It was a junky, guilty pleasure, starring a cusp-of-fame Channing Tatum as team leader Duke, and the whole thing had the energy of a young recruit: eager to please, game for anything, immune to embarrassment.
"G.I. Joe: Retaliation," however, is the opposite. This botched sequel feels like a shell-shock victim: flailing, screaming, inept and utterly incoherent.
That's a shame, since the franchise promised some B-grade summer fun.
The always likable Johnson can't save this material, though.
The story is a disastrous mess, in which the U.S. president (Jonathan Pryce) is still a hostage, the nefarious Cobra group is plotting something nuclear, and the conflicted warrior Storm Shadow, played by the charismatic Byung-hun Lee, is still brooding about his childhood. (Look for the rapper RZA as Blind Master.)
It's impossible to keep track of the characters: Say goodbye to Destro, say hubba-hubba to new addition Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), and say peek-a-boo to Bruce Willis, popping in and out as the original General Joe Colton.
Replacing director Stephen Sommers is Jon M. Chu, known for teeny-bopper movies like "Step Up 3D" and "Justin Bieber: Never Say Never," but his gifts for capturing choreography don't transfer.
Aside from an impressive rappelling chase through the Himalayas, the action scenes make almost zero sense; even most punches land far from chins.
For all the deafening noise and rather startling destruction -- all of London disappears without much ceremony -- "G.I. Joe: Retaliation" moves at a painfully slow crawl, barely dragging itself from one scene to the next.
That's certainly a problem the first movie never had.
Until further notice, consider the "G.I. Joe" franchise out on medical leave.
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