Coco's monologue/cold open

Here it is...the opener of tonight's - or last night's if you're reading Tuesday - new show.

The show is called "Conan," for the record.

"CONAN" Monologue: Monday, November 08, 2010

Thank you.  Thank you and welcome to my 2nd Annual first show.

Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, “Hey, it’s the guy from
Twitter.”

Welcome to my new show, “Conan.”  People ask me why I named the show “Conan.”  I did it so I’d be harder to replace.

This is an exciting night.  I’m glad to be on cable.  The truth is, I’ve
dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

 And things are going well already.  I’m happy to report that we’re
already #1 in TBS’s key demographic --- people who can’t afford HBO.

 I’m going to be honest:  It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a
channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. 
So that’s why I left NBC.

 But the weird thing is this:  I put myself and my staff through a lot
because I refused to go on at midnight.  So I get this job at eleven. 
Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended --- so right now it’s
basically midnight.  In fact, it’s 12:05.

A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air --- and I was
hoping I could cover it all in one joke.  But then I realized that’s
like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat
dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett
Favre’s penis.