Fall TV Opening Night: A viewers' guide

Ladies, and gentlemen: Prepare to be swamped. Opening night arrives in a few hours, and nothing says "what the heck should I watch" quite like opening night. But this one -  this one - is unique. This may be the most packed four-network launch night in my memory.

  This opener is wracked to an unusual degree by network desparation - watch me now please - and network aggression - watch me  now or else. A few seasons ago, they all said that opening weeks, and seasons, and even "falls" were irrelevant; but recidivists by heart, they have drifted back to old habits with a vengeance.

  But what does this mean for youuuuuu? Frustration and a sense that whatever you do, you'll still miss something - something good or unusual or water-coolerish. So, to avoid that, here's a quick quide. Let's put it this way - this is the line-up I would watch tonight, if I wanted to get a full flavor of the night.  Admittedly,  this may fry your channel switcher, but if it does, call Cablevision - you should be able to get another one for free...

 
  8:00:  "DWTS:"  Yes, start off with "Dancing" - if only to see the outfit Bristol is wearing. First first minutes should give you a quick flavor, but full dancer bios and first dances are much deeper in the show.

 8:05: "How I Met Your Mother:" You gotta check out this season opener, if only to hold "HIMYM" to its promise that the 100th will be a huge information dump of clues, reveals, etc.Rachel Bilson is apparently not the mother.

  8:18: "House:" By this time, you should have a pretty good feel for "HIMYM," but you don't wanna miss too much 'o "House" either; this is more Huddy/House emo business, which I suppose, is getting kind of old,

 8:29: "HIMYM:" Check out the last minute just to make sure they didn't actually say who Ted's future wife is; there is a remote possibility of this, by the way, say one chance in a hundred million.

 8:30: "DWTS:" Flip back just to see if Bristol is dancing yet; if it's Rick Fox or Jennifer Grey, hang around for five minuttes; one of them could win this season.

 8:35: "Chuck:" This is a good time to check in on Chuck and also to see if he's found his mom Linda Hamilton yet. Who knows - you could get lucky and stumble on the reunion right at this minute.

 8:36: "House:" Back and don't swtch until the commercial break. Then...

  8:41: "DWTS:" Just to see if Bristol is up yet. Of to see if they've panned to mom in the audience.

  8:42: "Chuck:" Just to see if Linda  is up yet...

  8:43: "House:" You should be back here after the commercial break, and don't budge until the next commercial break.

  8:50: "Chuck:" Well...?

  8:51: "DWTS:" Sure, admit it - you want to see if Michael Bolton can dance ...

 8:52: "House:" Intense! You can't touch the channel switcher.

 8:59: "Chuck:" Really fast, got back and see what's up. Then back to "House."


 9: 00: "The Event:" You have a tough choice at 9; "The Event" or Fox's "Lone Star."  Personally, I t think "Event" is a better bet. The opening minutes are reasonably intense, but "Lone Star's" open is fairly soft. Of these two pilots, I actually think "Event" is the superior, and had problems with "Lone Star's" premise - a con man with one wife, and another one on the hook, while he's conning the loved ones of both - even though this could be the "sleeper" Fox seems to think it will be. "Event?"  Well, this is another one of those sci-fi questions-and-few-answers shows. That may not be your cup o' tea.

9:05: "Two and a Half Men:" Bail out of "The Event" to check this out; could be Sheen's last season and maybe interesting - even if you are not a fan - to see if there are any veiled references to his late troubles.

9:20: "Lone Star:" OK, say you've had enough of "Event." Give "Star" a ride until 9:30. The middle chunk of the pilot is actually a pretty good place to see what's going on. It should not be too confusing. If you prefer this show, then just hang with it, but try to get in the last five minutes of "Event," which set up the rest of the season - assuming it gets a full season order. "Star's" last five minutes aren't nearly as crucial. 

9:22: "DWTS:" Yeah, keep switching back here. Who knows who'll be up. Sarah!? 

9:30: "Event:" May as well finish the pilot/ or "Star;" you're call - but keep checking with "DWTS."

10: "Hawaii Five-O:" Finally, an easy choice. Just stick with this. The first four minutes are absurdly violent, and there is a high body count in this pilot, but all in all, I thought it was pretty good. The chemistry between Scott Caan and Alex O'Loughlin seems to work, and the show itself is promising. Yeah, in a way this is "NCIS: Hawaii," but get past the fact that every drama CBS mounts seems to have either those letters or these (CSI) in the title, and you may see something here you like. Here's the thing - this is the show people will say "did you see?" and "what did you think?" on Tuesday. May as well have an answer.

11: Go to bed.