Joy to the world...(except these shows): Ten lumps to TV coal
With Christmas over Sunday and Chanukah by Wednesday, most of us are gifted out. But not this TV critic.
There's a bag of coal over my shoulder with some choice lumps that are waiting to be gifted to some richly deserving TV dud out there.
So without further ado, here are my choices for the dumbest, oddest, silliest, most misbegotten moments and shows and what-have-you of the 2011 TV season.
Sincere apologies to those overlooked, and a ho ho ho humbug to those who are not…(And scroll down, sports fans, to some choice clips...)
1.) The Great Kardashian Wedding hustle: Not a dance, a con. Kim K. and Kris Humphries walked down the aisle Aug. 20 and hired the divorce attorneys Oct. 31, just 72 romance-free days later. No one really expected this would last, did they? The wedding was basically just a big sloppy promotional wet kiss for a few dozen companies, which provided everything from the ring to the napkins, not to mention the and the Kardashian brand. Phooey!
2.) Charlie Sheen: Not merely the deranged online show, or delusional interviews, or final rupture with "Two and a Half Men" or ridiculous $100-million lawsuit. "The Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour" - yes, that's what this special lump of coal is for.
3.) "Jersey Shore: The Italian Fiasco:" In a drunken rage, Mike Sorrentino charges a wall and nearly knocks himself out. Beautiful Americans! Go home! (They have, but Italy will never be the same.)
4.) Terrible shows we could really have done without, thankyouverymuch: "Man Up," "The Playboy Club," "Charlie's Angels"...
5.) "Real Housewives of New Jersey" fistfight. At a Christening, no less. Teresa's brother Joe goes obscenely berserk--as Bravo helpfully offers a closeup of a cross.
6.) ABC daytime, for bumping off "All My Children." Bad enough the show still had fans. Bad enough we never found out who J.R. shot. Bad enough it was replaced by "The Chew."
7.) Violent deaths we didn't see coming and still don't quite approve of: Sophia Peletier (played by Madison Lintz), "The Walking Dead;" Jimmy Darmody (Michael Pitt), "Boardwalk Empire;" Ned Stark (Sean Bean), "Game of Thrones;" Tom Walker (Chris Chalk), "Homeland; Piney Winston (William Lucking), "Sons of Anarchy," Violet Harmon (Taissa Farmiga.)
8.) Nicole Scherzinger supremo flubbo on "The X Factor:" She refuses to vote for child contestant Rachel Crow who then gets thrown to the wolves--the voters in the viewing audience. Crow loses then flops wailing on the stage; Nicole comes to the stage and wails too.
9.) The Blah-scars: Who knew the Oscars telecast could be so soporific. Host James Franco was chief sandman for the night, aided and abetted by Anne Hathaway.
10.) "The Bachelor" villain Bentley Williams. He quits the show. Then comes back to the show. Still loathed by everyone, even Chris Harrison. .