Letterman returns, jokes about threat

"Late Show" host David Letterman returned to work Monday night after two weeks off, his first day back since a jihadist website issued a threat against his life.

And if he was worried by the threats, he didn't show it.

"Thank you very much for being here tonight," Letterman said in his monologue. "We have great audiences night in and night out, but tonight especially, it means a lot to me. Tonight, you people are more, to me, honestly, more than an audience . . . you're more like a human shield.

"I'm so sorry, I'm a little late coming out. Backstage, I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS life insurance policy to see if I was covered for Jihad.

"You're not going to believe what happened. A guy, a radical extremist threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel for every time a guy has threatened . . . I think the first time was during the Academy Awards."

Letterman also devoted his Top Ten list to "Thoughts That Went Through My Mind After Hearing about the Threat."10. Someone wants to silence me? Get in line.

9. Nothing says summer fun like a death threat.

8. Why is the staff in such a good mood?

7. Save me, Oprah!

6. Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?

5. And here I thought nobody watched the show.

4. How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?

3. Some people get Emmy nominations; some people get death threats.

2. This seems like Leno's handiwork.

1. Oh my God, they canceled 'The George Lopez Show'!