'Mother of the Bride' review: Brooke Shields 'romantic comedy' is beyond predictable

WHAT IT'S ABOUT Two insufferable people get engaged and learn their equally awful mom and dad used to be an item in “Mother of the Bride,” a romantic comedy that's neither romantic nor comic.

Emma (Miranda Cosgrove) is an influencer or brand ambassador or something. She certainly has lots of Instagram engagement. She also has no other distinguishing characteristics.

If the movie tells us what RJ (Sean Teale) does, this critic missed it. Emma's mom, Lana (Brooke Shields), is a prominent scientist. RJ's dad Will (Benjamin Bratt) has enough money to gift the couple an apartment in TriBeCa, presumably from investments, or whatever.

The big reunion happens just before the wedding at a resort in Phuket, Thailand. College sweethearts Lana and Will can't believe their kids have fallen in love. Old feelings reawaken after being dormant for decades following a bad breakup.

The picture gets complicated by an impossibly handsome young doctor named Lucas (Chad Michael Murray), who just so happens to be staying at the very same resort. And he loves to show off his abs.

“Mother of the Bride” is directed by Mark Waters, whose credits include “Mean Girls” (the original, not the musical). This is a long way from “Mean Girls.”

MY SAY This movie hits every last tired mark with such precision that you could set a clock to it. If, for some reason, you're compelled to waste time watching “Mother of the Bride,” see if you can predict what will happen down to the second. You'll never be wrong.

A misunderstood, overheard phone conversation to create false conflict? Check. Stumbling in on the ex as he's just gotten out of the shower? Sure. A long-awaited kiss interrupted at the very last instant? You know it. One couple falls into the water with their clothes on. Does everyone follow? What do you think?

There's predictable and then there's this, the movie version of one of those stock photos they put in picture frames.

It's an hour-and-a-half that feels like a decade, so you're left desperately searching for something to end the misery.

You won't find it in the performances, from actors who seem to have signed on for no reason other than an all-expenses-paid trip to Thailand, along with a sweet slice of that Netflix dough.

Forget about caring about any of these characters, nightmares one and all, obsessed with material things and utterly disinterested in getting to know the unique and beautiful country they've had the good fortune to visit.

There've got to be some funny moments, right? Guess again. The humor mostly entails Shields falling down in pratfalls that would've bored the audience members going to the picture shows at  nickelodeons in the early 20th century. In one really excruciating scene, Shields smashes a pickleball into a very unfortunate part of Bratt's anatomy. Are we laughing yet?

BOTTOM LINE Don't do it.