Asking the clergy about sibling rivalry

In some families, sibling drama is the age-old stuff of religion and literature. Who is prettier, smarter, looks more like dad? And the critical question, who is Mom's favorite child? Our clergy turn to the Scriptures, which documented the ultimate in sibling rivalry in the form of Cain and Abel, to offer advice for parents and their potentially combative offspring.

Rabbi Joel Levinson, Temple Beth El of Patchogue:

Throughout Genesis, you see the impact of sibling rivalry and the problems it causes. There's Abraham's sons Ishmael and Isaac (Genesis 21). Or Jacob's son, Joseph (Genesis 37-50), whom he loved above his brothers. [His brothers] eventually sold Joseph into slavery. Through these relationships, you see the painful consequences for the entire family.

I think what we can learn from the book of Genesis is the need for parents to be more cognizant of the impact of treating one child better at the expense of the other.

Consider the story of twins Esau and Jacob, sons of Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 25: 19-34). While firstborn Esau is favored by the father, Jacob is favored by the mother.

Sibling rivalry is often fostered by the parents. If you look at these biblical relationships, the parents are oblivious to what is going on. Emulate the good traits of the parents, but learn from the bad things they did. In many cases, it is one parent in particular. If the mother and father are not on the same page, you also can create favoritism and sibling rivalry. We need to treat our children not necessarily equally, but fairly.

Pastor Jerome Enderle, Grace of God Evangelical Lutheran Church, Wisconsin Synod, Dix Hills:

There are many examples of sibling rivalry, even hatred, in the Scriptures: Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, Ishmael and Isaac. The Bible says in 1 John 4:20: "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: For he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?"

We all know it is wrong to hate. God, in his own words, forbids it. God also says to be kind and forgive one another, as Christ has forgiven us.

If you already have sibling rivalry and feel as if you hate your brother, then get rid of it. Lay those feelings at the foot of the cross. We are all sinful and have the sinful nature of envy, jealousy and rivalry. But, when you know the love of God through Jesus, you can overcome those feelings.

The Rev. Michael Bartolomeo,

Trinity Episcopal Church, Northport:

I'd look to the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15: 11-31). Jesus tells the story of the younger son who went away and squandered his money, fell on hard times in another country and then came home. Most of us think of it as a son who wanders away and then is welcomed home by a happy father. We also see it as Jesus welcoming home sinners.

There also is sibling rivalry in this parable. They kill the fatted calf for the returning son and throw a big party. The older son, who stayed and worked and did what he was supposed to, is angry and doesn't want to participate. The father explains to him that it is right to celebrate because the prodigal son was dead and now he again is alive. The father goes on to explain to the older son that everything he, the father, owns has always been his. It is all here for him and always has been.

We all have to remember that we're loved by our parents. Don't think about the justice, or injustice of the situation. Rather, remember we receive the love that we need at the time.

The Rev. Eric J. Rey, Hampton Bays Assembly of God:

The Scripture offers advice directly by giving examples of how destructive and harmful sibling rivalry can be. Cain and Abel (Genesis 4: 1-26) are the first examples of how damaging rivalry can be.

There's Leah and Rachel (Genesis 29-35), who rivaled over their love for Jacob. We think of their children's rivalry, but the first rivalry was between Leah and Rachel, who were sisters. Jacob loved Rachel more, so Leah tries to make up for this by having more children, and the problems that led to.

Think of brothers Jacob and Esau. Their rivalry was fueled by their parents. Isaac favored Esau, who was a hunter and liked the outdoors. Rebekah favored Jacob, who was gentler. She encouraged him to steal the blessing that should have gone to Esau, the first born.

As parents, we need to look at the way we foster the rivalry between our children. We may share some interests and traits with one child or another. It is up to us as parents, and adults, to make sure we are aware of how we're treating our children individually and collectively.

The Bible doesn't overtly teach against sibling rivalry, but by reading you can see examples of what not to do.