Asking the clergy: Coping with grief

When people seem unable to work through their grief, how do you counsel them?

The Rev. Jane Ann Groom, former interim pastor, Sayville Congregational UCC Church:

Grieving is a journey and a process. We move through it, not to finish it so much as to integrate it into our lives. Maybe the most important thing in the first place is for them to give permission to feel those feelings.

Sometimes we tend to run from our feelings and even fear we'll be swallowed up by them. We need to feel all the feelings -- numbness, despair, guilt, anger, etc., that are included in "grief" -- to feel them and to name them. Give yourself permission to feel those things as they come. Allow them to be part of you, and then let them go.

They will likely come again in the process, of course. A good friend, upon the death of my mother, told me; "Grief is like standing with your back to the ocean. Sometimes you're on dry sand, sometimes the water nips at your heels and sometimes a wave comes and just knocks you over. You never know what each day will bring."

Prayer and meditation put us in a place for spiritual healing. To grieve well is hard work. Nothing substitutes for time; however, it is also a process in which we must engage.

Cantor Steve Sher, Temple B'nai Torah, Wantagh:

I would acknowledge the reality of these feelings and let them know it is OK to feel that way, that these feelings are also a natural response that evolves from the loss. I would attempt to validate the intensity and frustration felt, helping the grieved to recognize that, although these feelings may not entirely dissipate, that passing time provides some solace. The ability to better be able to manage these feelings comes with time. There is no magic bullet.

I don't necessarily feel that someone gets stuck. Someone says, "I want to move on but am stuck," to me, that is the same as saying, "I'm not done grieving."

The person has to accept that if the healing is not happening, he or she needs more time to heal. It is like any kind of wound. There's still pain during the healing process.

The Rev. Thomas Nowak, Calvary Lutheran Church, East Meadow:

I'd explain to them that you don't get over grief. You learn to live with it. Then I'd explain that you're stuck in grief because you're looking to get unstuck the wrong way. You're trying to get unstuck by something you personally can do. You can't. You get unstuck by something God does.

The best way to get over it is the peace that Jesus Christ gives and a relationship with him.

I'd ask them if they're doing a devotion every day. The Holy Spirit only makes himself available through the Word and the Sacrament. I'd sit them down and show them what I do each day -- a Psalm, Old Testament, Epistle and Gospel readings. These let God's word warm the heart and prepare you to pray. I'd also give them a devotional and Bible help book.

Pastor Joni Lupis, Grace and Truth Church, Coram:

The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 3:4: There is ". . . a time to weep and a time to laugh . . . "

There is a mourning period we go through. We need it as human beings. There also is a time when we must go on living. As Christians, our hope is in Christ Jesus, and Jesus said in John 11:25-26: "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die . . . "

I would explain to the person that as Christians we have the hope that we'll one day be reunited with that loved one. When grieving, you have to build off that faith in God.

We sometimes think we have to put on a show, to appear stronger than we feel. Crying is part of the process of healing. You don't forget, and you will cry again.

You think you can never go on, but you do go on.