Forced to spend time with in-laws she dislikes

DEAR AMY: I am in my mid-40s and have been married for four years. On top of all the marital difficulties we're having, my husband insists I have dinner with his parents every Sunday, as well as every anniversary, birthday and holiday. The truth is, I don't really like his family, and I can only take them in small doses. They are loud, argumentative and mean. I make it a point to accompany my husband every few weeks or so, and we spend every holiday with them. Today, my husband announced that his parents' anniversary and his father's birthday are coming up and that if I don't attend, "we're through." I was shocked by this ultimatum. I feel it is a complete betrayal of our marriage that he would back me into a corner like this. His parents are abrasive and critical, and I always leave feeling sad. My own parents are both deceased. This makes it even more difficult for me. We did things so differently in my family. Getting together was pleasurable and not something one "had to do." What can I do?Desperate WifeDEAR DESPERATE: You can take your husband's ultimatum as your invitation to talk. You don't need to run this same issue into the ground, but really talk about your values, expectations, and about why you chose to build a life together, back before you got married.

Don't launch into a diatribe about his family. This issue is likely a stand-in for other problems.

While you attempt to work this out, you'll be thinking about your own choices. You have to take an objective look at your own behavior and admit your shortcomings. See if there are ways you might be contributing to your husband's frustration.

You'll also have to look at your choice to be with someone who insists you spend time with people who (according to you, anyway) are mean.

A therapist's office is a good place to start these challenging conversations.