Joys and challenges of raising grandkids

Elizabeth Chappell spends weekends driving 5-year-old Grace to social events. Carol Fazio was given custody of a 9-year-old the same day she retired. And Carolyn Wright began caring for two young children while recovering from heart surgery.

These women of a certain age are raising grandchildren, like thousands of other grandparents who are spending their retirement years navigating a new reality as guardians to their children's children. And they're doing so with shrinking resources due to budget cuts.

According to the American Community Survey of the U.S. Census Bureau released last year, there are between 200,000 and 250,000 children in New York who live with a grandparent. In Nassau there are 38,178 grandparents living with grandchildren under 18 years old, 5,113 of whom have custody. In Suffolk there are 38,549. Of those, 9,687 have custody. The number has been rising since the recession, according to the Pew Research Center.

Michelle Bauer, chief operating officer of the National Committee of Grandparents for Children's Rights in upstate Cohoes, says children enter kinship care with a relative when their own parents are unable or choose not to care for them for reasons that include neglect, military deployment, substance abuse, mental health issues, deportation or a parent's death. Some parents are unable to afford living on Long Island since the recession, so they have left their children with grandparents. "More grandparents are reporting [their parenting roles] because they realize they need help," Bauer says. "This situation crosses all socioeconomic and racial backgrounds. The parent may be in the picture, but the grandparent is the one who is responsible for the grandchild's care . . . Most have informal care arrangements whereby the grandchild lives with them until such time as their parent can care for them. It keeps the child out of the foster-care system and with someone they're familiar with."

In addition to child-rearing challenges, Bauer says, the grandparents have to rebuild a family. "They deal with the grief and guilt of their [adult] child's situation while also helping their grandchild through it. There are often anger issues on both sides."

Claudia Boyle, youth and family program coordinator for the Hispanic Counseling Center in Hempstead, says there are extra challenges for Hispanic families who may not have legal residence or can have language and literacy issues, all of which impact their ability to get the benefits their grandchild is entitled to.

The state provides a $600-a-month stipend to the relative when parents don't oppose the custody arrangement or if it's clear-cut in a will, says Bauer. But grandparents can face legal complications like registering grandchildren for school or getting them medical care when they don't have the child's birth certificate and Social Security number.

Beyond that, there are the day-to-day concerns, says Rita Kim, a social worker at Peninsula Counseling Center in Valley Stream. "I work with couples who are not always in agreement with each other about how to raise their grandchild. It's a stress for couples," she says.

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After a busy week as a full-time special education director, Elizabeth Chappell follows what has become her weekend routine: driving her granddaughter, Grace, to soccer practice, birthday parties, play dates and the playground. It's a familiar schedule for Chappell, 59, of Sound Beach, because 20 years ago she was doing the same for her three children when they were young.

Carol Fazio, 70, a Port Jefferson Station mother of three, retired from her 40-year career as a nurse on Sept. 13, 2004. That same day, she gained custody of her granddaughter, Christina, who is now 16. Fazio returned to work part-time six years ago to make ends meet and she shares joint legal custody of Christina with her ex-husband Benjamin Fazio, 74, of Holtsville.

When Carolyn Wright's daughter died of acute leukemia 11 years ago, she got custody of her daughter's children, who were 5 and 7. The 59-year-old Cedarhurst resident had already raised three children as a widow.

All three grandmothers say they struggle with societal changes that affect their parenting, including their own health concerns, legal and financial issues. Yet each also emphasizes that her love for her grandchildren, pride in their accomplishments and being a part of all their "firsts" are joys.

Fazio, whose daughter was coping with mental health issues that made her unable to care for her child, says that, at first, she resented having to parent again.

"Your life is on hold. You can't take off; you have to follow the child's schedule," Fazio explains. "But when she was 7, my granddaughter wrote an essay in which she said that it was so hard for Grandma to raise her, she wished she had never been born. One of my biggest regrets was making her feel that way. This child didn't ask for this, and while I didn't either, I'm the adult. She's a teen now, and we have in-depth conversations and she has a good view of her goals. She's a delight to have around."

Chappell, who is divorced, has custody of Grace because her parents are unable to care for her, "Grace is a happy little girl," she says. "I help her to understand that our family is different." "Nana," as Grace calls her, also has three other grandchildren. That makes Chappell's dual role difficult sometimes because, "I don't get to just enjoy the role of being a grandparent," spoiling all of the grandkids, she says. With Grace, she has to be the disciplinarian. "But while there are lots of challenges in taking on this role," she says, "they are outweighed every day by the love that I have for this child."

For Wright, grief over the loss of her daughter made the first years of caring for Marcus, now 18, and Jasmine, now 16, difficult. "I would look into the faces of my grandchildren and see my daughter. I was depressed for a long time and didn't realize it," says Wright, who retired from home health care work in 2005. "The hardest part for me is communication because kids don't talk the way my kids did. They have minds of their own; they listen to outsiders more. But the best part is, I have them with me. I've had hard times, but I wouldn't change anything, except having my daughter to share this with me."

The grandmothers say they learned early on they couldn't manage without support from others.

"The need for support is ongoing because you have a child who has experienced some kind of trauma to be in this situation," says Bauer. "It's a lot to deal with when you're supposed to be retired. But grandparents amaze me with their resiliency; it's always about doing what's best for their grandchild."

Resources for Grandparents

Hotlines

--New York State Kinship Navigator Resource, 877-454-6463; nysnavigator.org

--National Committee of Grandparents for Children's Rights, 866-624-9900

Support Groups

--Hispanic Counseling Center Kinship Care Program, 516-538-2613, ext. 233, last Tuesdays or Thursdays of the month, 6-7:30 p.m.

--Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Parenting Resource Network, Friedberg JCC in Oceanside, 516-634-4192, second Tuesdays, 10-11:30 a.m.

--Voice of Grandparents, Nassau County Department of Senior Citizen Affairs, 516-354-5280, Ext. 1002, at Elmont Memorial Library, fourth Fridays, 9:30-11:30 a.m.

--Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Peninsula Counseling Center in Valley Stream, contact Rita Kim, 516-569-6600, Ext. 1343, first and third Thursdays, 10 a.m.

--Grandparents Raising Children, Town of Southampton Department of Human Services, Division of Senior Services and Youth Bureau, 631-702-2421; tkolsin@southamptontownny.gov, second Wednesdays, 6-8 p.m., dinner and child care included.

--Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, East Hampton, 631-324-4947, Ext. 205, email: TLawrence @EHampton NY.Gov, third Mondays, 7-8 p.m.; child care provided.

--LI Kincare Connection, Selden branch of the Middle Country Public Library, 631-585-9393, first Thursdays, 6:30-8:30 p.m.