'Gray' couplings, marriages are on the upswing

Throughout Long Island, love-struck older adults — whether divorced, widowed or never married — are not only marrying or cohabitating later in life but attest to a warmhearted reality: Cupid’s arrows can unexpectedly strike anytime, anywhere and anyone.

"It’s never too late to find love, and no matter how old people are, they value having a romantic partner," said Susan Brown, a sociology professor at Toledo-based Bowling Green State University in Ohio who has extensively explored the topic of older adult relationships.

With the country’s median age of first marriages 30.4 years old for men and 28.6 years old for women in 2021, up from ages 26.8 and 25.1, respectively, in 2000 according to the U.S. Census Bureau, "gray" relationships are also on the uptick across the country, Brown said.

Based on her research, 4 million older people are currently involved in a "cohabitating relationship" — whether married or unmarried — as compared to about 950,000 in 2000. Fueling older adult relationships, she said, are the death of spouses or cohabitating partners, later in life divorces, gains in life expectancy and extended years of good health.

Although those who coupled later in life face such potential challenges as family opposition to their union, their relationships can offer companionship and social support that play "an integral role in a person’s health and emotional well-being," Brown said.

With Valentine’s Day upon us, three couples reflect on their late-in-life marriage or cohabitation.

No longer living a lie

Three years ago, Gennifer Herley and Nancy Menusan only knew each other through a Facebook page for transgender people.

Seeking a genuine friendship with someone like herself — a person who had transitioned to female after being a married biological male, Herley, then 57, invited Menusan, then 62, for lunch at Roosevelt Field mall.

Herley, who holds a doctorate in psychology and serves as founder and executive director of TransNewYork, was organizing a conference for the group and, knowing Menusan was attending it, wanted to meet beforehand.

A few days after lunch, Menusan invited Herley, who was living in Seaford, to her Bayside, Queens, place for a homemade, music-infused, candlelit dinner.

"It was the most romantic event I have ever had in my life, and I needed something like that," Herley said.

And just before the conference, the two became a couple.

"We were only dating a little while when Nancy said that if we’re together in a year, we’d get married," said Herley, adding, "At the conference, I introduced her as my fiance."

Afterward, they decamped to Key West, Florida, for Herley to de-stress. Packing two engagement rings — one for Menusan, the other for herself, Herley also used the getaway to pop the question.

"Marriage was something that I desired," said Herley whose 25-year marriage had produced a daughter, now 22, and ended in divorce in 2012.

In 2018, after being in the closet for many years, including dating biological women for five years, she transitioned.

"The idea of living two lives any more had become unbearable," the mental health professional said, noting that her relationship with her daughter remains loving, "and she loves Nancy."

In 2020, Menusan, a mechanic for the New York City Transit Authority, transitioned — five years after her 19-year marriage ended. She has three daughters, ages 27, 32 and 33.

"Living a lie all your life isn’t easy — so you put on a persona — like a TV show — and wear a costume," said Menusan, who has two grandchildren. "Gennifer was the first person in my life I didn’t have to lie to anymore, and she allows me to be me in the fullest way."

In September, about two years after meeting in-person, the couple wed in Vermont, with one of Nancy’s daughters officiating.

BTW (Born This Way), an Oceanside bar and restaurant catering to the LGBT community, was the site of their reception, which brought together 30 guests, including all their children, Nancy’s ex-wife and her mother, 91.

Next month, the couple is slated to relocate from Queens to New Hyde Park.

"This is a life that’s off the charts," said Herley. "I’m living my dream."

A guy walks into a bar

For years, Regina Baker-Cooper had sworn she didn’t want a husband and children.

"I was happily single, working as a professional," said the retired elementary school teacher who substitutes. "I owned a small home and lived with my dog."

Then, one night in 2002, while moonlighting as a bartender in Uniondale, Regina, then living in Freeport, noticed a new customer — Michael Cooper. "Working in a bar, I saw drunks, lonely people and functional alcoholics, and he didn’t fit any of those categories."

He also didn’t realize that a barfly was ordering the most expensive drinks and putting them on his tab. Regina alerted him to the wrongdoing.

"He appreciated that I was looking out for him," said Regina, 57. "After that, he would stop by every week, have a beer and talk to me. I liked him."

And when the Rockville Centre resident didn’t appear for over a month, she missed him.

While passing time with a friend at an Elmont bar before a fundraiser in Queens, she spotted Cooper; he had come for the karaoke.

Uncharacteristically, Regina "ran over, kissed him and asked where he’d been," she said. "He was shocked, amazed and a little embarrassed."

Learning that Michael, an information technology and cyber security professional, had been out of state for a work assignment, Regina invited him to the fundraiser.

"We danced all night," she said.

Six months before, Michael’s wife had died. He was living with their 7-year-old daughter, Taylor, his late spouse’s teenage daughter and her teenage niece. His wife’s sister, staying with him temporarily to help out, encouraged him to go out.

"All I did was work and be a family guy," Michael said.

His relationship with Regina progressed slowly. He didn’t want his home to become "a revolving door of dates," while Regina, concerned about bonding with a man with children, made herself unavailable for a few months.

When he reached out again, the couple reunited and included Taylor and Regina’s nieces in casual outings. Taylor was mostly quiet in Regina’s presence and would squeeze herself between the pair.

But in 2005, Taylor, then 11, became a fan of her father’s girlfriend after she painlessly combed the sensitive youngster’s hair.

A year later, with Michael’s stepdaughter and late wife’s niece no longer with him and Taylor summering with her paternal grandparents in South Carolina, Baker took Regina to Puerto Rico for her birthday.

"No one had ever treated me like a queen before," she said.

In 2007, Regina moved to Rockville Centre to live with father and daughter, and five years later, the woman who had sworn off marriage and motherhood, then 47, tied the knot with Michael, then 49.

"We both weren’t looking for marriage, so it was meant to be," he said.

During their wedding ceremony, the pair exchanged bands. The new bride also gave a ring to Taylor, whom she adopted after the nuptials.

"My biological mother started raising me," said Taylor, 27, who coordinates activities for an assisted-living facility. "Regina took on the project and finished it, and we’re definitely blessed to have her."

A shared passion

In 2009, Huntington resident Lilly Julien received an 11 p.m. email through the dating website Spiritual Singles. She was 61 and a widow.

"‘I believe in synchronicity," wrote Jerry Weinstock, referencing a situation in which people interpret two separate — and apparently unconnected — experiences as being linked, though no such evidence exists. "And there’s a reason why we’re supposed to meet."

He invited her to a Sunday brunch.

"When I saw Lilly’s profile on Spiritual Singles, she was beautiful," Weinstock said. "But she had also experienced profound loss. I wanted to just meet this passionate woman who, in some ways, would be a kindred spirit."

A Los Angeles resident and widower, Weinstock was traveling to a New York conference to promote his memoir, "Joyride: How My Late Wife Loved Me Back to Life" (DreaMaster, 2011).

The author of several books, written under the name I.J. Weinstock, he had acted on stage and in films, as well as created the precursor to Game Show Network.

Their first date lasted eight hours, with the pair sharing stories about their lives, including their grief-stricken losses and interest in mediums and art.

Divorced from his first wife, Weinstock, who has no children, had lost his second wife 2 1⁄4 years earlier. Together, he and his late wife, whose first two children and second husband had died, had created Los Angeles-area seminars called 12 Steps to Finding Your Soul Mate Workshop.

For her part, Julien’s life had been upended in 1992 with the death of her daughter, Michelle, 20, in a car accident. Eight years later, her husband, Robert, had a fatal heart attack. Their quarter-century marriage had produced three children.

Through her involvement in Chabad, a Jewish movement where she had sought answers to her losses, she started dating three years after Robert’s death.

After a while, each time Julien returned from a date, she reflected on the person’s negative characteristics to develop a wish-list of the qualities that she wanted in her ideal partner — like being funny, trustworthy, communicative, adventurous, exciting, good-looking and good-smelling.

"I had a lot of upsets in my life, and I didn’t want a relationship that required work," said Julien, 73. "When you’ve had a really great love, you’re not going to settle for anything less than what you had."

Weinstock, she said, satisfied every criteria, as well as creativity.

"When my kids met Jerry, their first words were, ‘He’s you,’ " Julien said. "They never took to anyone else I had dated the way they took to him."

Since becoming partners, Weinstock and Julien have pursued a shared passion — to support parents and families who have lost a child.

Soon after Michelle’s death, Julien said, she experienced a dream visitation in which her daughter told her, " ‘I’m OK, Mommy. You’re the ones who aren’t OK. And you need to reach out to help each other.’ "

Heeding those words, Julien spearheaded informal meetings with others who had lost a child before she found the COPE Foundation (Connecting Our Paths Eternally). The nonprofit group runs healing workshops, group support meetings, Camp Erin NYC, a children’s bereavement camp and a concurrent parent retreat, which Julien and Weinstock created in 2015 and lead together.

The couple’s other collaborations include adapting for parents Weinstock’s "Grief Quest: A Workbook & Journal to Heal the Grieving Heart."

In 2013, their three-year bicoastal relationship culminated in Weinstock relocating to Huntington to live with Julien.

Both feel married, with no sense of urgency to formalize their relationship. But, 10 years ago, Weinstock said, "our 3-year-old granddaughter, playing dress-up, wanted to marry us, and did her vision of a ceremony in the basement."