A survival manual for garden gnome attacks
So, I opened my mail this morning, and there was yet another book from yet another publisher hoping that I'll post yet another review to generate some free publicity. You might wonder why you haven't seen very many book reviews here on the blog or in my print column.
That's because the book has to be good in order for me to take up precious newsprint (or ram bits). Some might think I only gush about books, but the truth is, with very few exceptions, you'll only hear my opinion if the book is worth gushing about.
A little background before I delve into my latest gush: I have a thing for quirky. And I have a thing for garden gnomes. I don't actually own any, I just like them. A lot.
A couple of years ago, a garden gnome mysteriously showed up in my iris bed. No note, no explanation, just the gnome. None of my friends claimed responsibility, but because I thought he was cute, I let him hang out there for about a week. Then one day, I looked out my window and he was gone. Disappointing, to say the least.
So when I opened the package and took out what I was sure would be a book full of tree poetry or watercolor prints of waterlilies, I was surprised to see "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend yourself when the lawn warriors strike (and they will)," by Chuck Sambuchino.
The funny thing about the author is that he's also behind some decidedly un-humorous titles such as "Guide to Literary Agents," "Screenwriter's & Playwright's Market" and -- sit down lest you get too excited -- "Formatting & Submitting Your Manuscript, 3rd edition."
Because of my already disclosed penchant for gnomes and my love of the quirky, my pulse actually quickened a bit when I read the press insert:
"With an irresistible charm, gnomes seem friendly -- even welcoming. By the millions, we brought them into our homes and gardens. and, in so doing, we unwittingly courted this threat. Now we must learn to defend ourselves.
"Hiding in plain sight and feigning innocence and merriment, garden gnomes are seeking world domination . . . The common garden gnome has quietly lulled citizens everywhere into a false sense of security. They hide behind their wheelbarrows and disarm unwary suburban dwellers with their rosy cheeks so that no one notices the weaponry they wield . . . Be aware and afraid. Wake up to the danger.
How funny is that? Naturally, I opened the cover to reveal the book's first words: "Keep reading if you want to live." It goes on to describe a four-step strategy for safegarding the family from these creatures and offers 10 "life saving" tips for gnome guerilla lawnfare.
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The media insert directed me to the book's "trailer" on YouTube, which I've inserted above. OK, the video is a little lame, but the book is amusing, to me at least. I'm thinking stocking-stuffers for the holidays. You won't take this $14.99 cutie into the garden shed with you, but you might leave it on the shelf in the bathroom. That's where mine is going. Now, isn't that what every author hopes for?
