Couples married 50-plus years write book

Grace Louis does not hesitate when she says it definitely was not love at first sight. Not on her part, anyway.

Louis, 85, admits that when she met her future husband, Len, at age 17, she was taken with his engaging smile and green eyes. But when, only two weeks later, he eagerly insisted that once he began his Army Air Corps service he would write her every day, Louis remembers saying to herself, " 'Whoa, hey, wait a minute!' He was smitten, I was not," the Long Beach resident said. "But eventually we developed a very strong relationship."

Fifty-four years strong. Louis is one of nearly a dozen Long Island and Queens residents who have penned short stories about their 50-plus years of marriage for what they hope becomes a how-to book for long relationships.

"I Do: Lifelong Lasting Love" took shape when Gisele Wolf-Klein, director of geriatric education at North Shore LIJ Health System, spoke with colleague Barbara Vogel, program coordinator for geriatric psychiatry at Zucker Hillside Hospital in Glen Oaks, Queens, about the level of caring and commitment she saw among her patients.

"What really struck me were the asynchronisms of their aging body and the frailty that I, as their physician, care for and the youthfulness of their love and intense connection to their loved one," Wolf-Klein said.

Two years ago, Wolf-Klein began meeting monthly in her home with Vogel and about a dozen patients and their friends, encouraging them to talk about their spouses. Some -- such as Bob Schreibman, who was featured in Newsday's 2009 series Alzheimer's: The Love and the Heartbreak -- are now widows and widowers, but all were married for more than 50 years. All had writing experience, and Wolf-Klein encouraged them to share their history.

At first, Wolf-Klein said, the meetings were all "stories and egos": some harshly criticized the writing of others, some believed their stories were better, some guarded personal details, others were criticized for sharing too much. Over time, she said, "they developed a camaraderie and respect and a true friendship."

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The writing evolved, too, she said, from rosy, happily-ever-after stories into accounts of the bumpy roads traveled during marriage. The 11 stories in the proposed book touch on subjects ranging from financial troubles and disapproving parents to infertility and death of children.

Bob Nissen, 83, who proposed to his future wife Cinde a week after meeting her, went from being blacklisted during the McCarthy era to regularly receiving 3 a.m. death threats for being a communist. Through it all, the Port Washington resident and former television industry professional, said at a recent group meeting, his wife "was my rock in a stormy sea."

The group gave Nissen knowing nods. Despite their different backgrounds, group members agree that what sustained such long relationships was support.

Harvey Granat, 74, of Port Washington, said he left feeling "particularly close to the group and to [his wife of 52 years] Phyllis because it was a reminder of how strong and fortunate we are. The problems we've had, we've been able to deal with on our journey."

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Louis suggested a successful relationship depends on the four Cs: chemistry, commitment, communication and compromise. "With these, you can have a lifetime with anybody, as long as they're not crazy."

Marriages can even survive stark personality differences, the Granats said. A picky eater and fearful flier, Harvey Granat doesn't like to travel far. Phyllis Granat, 72, possesses a wanderlust and often travels alone, with her husband's support.

Though many in the group said Valentine's Day is not particularly special, Harvey Granat said the day "gives me a time and place to express very deep emotional thoughts to my wife, something I know I don't do enough."

This Valentine's Day, the couple plans to vacation together, Phyllis Granat said, with family. "It's the best Valentine's present I could get."