Achoo! Drop April, and March into May
A sneeze brought on by blossoms of a chestnut tree in Wuerzburg, Germany. Credit: Deutsch Presse Agentur
April, it's been said, is the cruelest month -- especially if you suffer from hay fever.
Yet this page has never taken a position on April. Nor have we offered any policy prescriptions on the chronic problem of pollen. Our record of restraint concerning hay fever would make Job blush with envy.
Until now. This year, finally, our patience is exhausted. With its itchy eyes and sneezing, pollens and histamine, April now stands condemned here. Congress is urged to purge it from the calendar, and if that august body lacks the courage to act, surely Albany can do something at the state level. The month makes no campaign contributions -- we've checked public records -- and so surely is fair game. A legislated pollen cap could at least limit future increases in the stuff.
If abolishing April somehow fails to eliminate its irritants, the Federal Reserve should begin aggressively purchasing pollen, thereby soothing sinuses at the same time it stimulates the economy. Or the Pentagon might be enlisted to deploy pollen-killing Predator drones to clear the air of this stubborn tyrant (with United Nations approval, of course).
If all else fails, let's vacuum up the stuff for burial at the Yucca Mountain nuclear repository in Nevada, which remains unused despite billions in spending. All that pollen might pose a catastrophic sneezing threat to future hay fever sufferers. But you know what? Better them than us.
