Sing along, Democrats. If you dare.
From left, Democratic presidential candidates, former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg, former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., former Vice President Joe Biden, Sen. Amy Klobuchar, D-Minn., and businessman Tom Steyer participate in a Democratic presidential primary debate on Tuesday in Charleston, S.C. Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
As Democrats try to winnow the field of presidential contenders in the South Carolina primary on Saturday, the campaigns continue to battle to a musical soundtrack, sung to “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” from "The Sound of Music."
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How do you solve a problem like Mike Bloomberg?
How do you take his dough but keep him out?
How do you find a word that means Mike Bloomberg?
A nanny-state-ninny! An NDA geek! A lout!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But entering so late
Was really not so great
And stop-and-frisk was never a thing to flout
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Mike Bloomberg?
How do you tell a billionaire get out?
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How do you solve a problem like ol’ Bernie?
How do you make a socialist mainstream?
How do you find a word that means ol’ Bernie?
An angry ol’ coot! A Castro lover! A scream!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
That heart attack was weird
It’s what some people feared
Hiding his records is a sorry scheme
Oh, how do you solve a problem like ol’ Bernie?
How do you say his freebies are a dream?
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How do you solve a problem like Joe Biden?
How do you make him younger by 10 years?
How do you find a word that means Joe Biden?
Malarkey-maestro! A guy to share some beers!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
Obama’s not enough
He must stress other stuff
To turn polite applause to raucous cheers
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Joe Biden?
How do you stop this ending up in tears?
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How do you solve a problem like Liz Warren?
How do you get her campaign back on track?
How do you find a word that means Liz Warren?
Consumer-protector! Wall Street scourge! Talk smack!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
She’s great in a debate
To people can relate
In coming up with plans she has a knack
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Liz Warren?
How do you help her break out from the pack?
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How do you solve a problem like Pete Buttigieg?
How can he get black voters on his side?
How do you find a word that means Pete Buttigieg?
Small-town mayor! Technocratic pride!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
His words they can inspire
Can light his fans on fire
But empathy he really should have tried
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Pete Buttigieg?
How do you stretch this most unlikely ride?
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How do you solve a problem like Klobuchar?
How do you say her road is at an end?
How do you find a word that means Klobuchar?
Hit-or-miss jokes! Midwestern-earnest friend!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
She sure hates Mayor Pete
Whom she would love to beat
That’s one relation she’s not keen to mend
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Klobuchar?
How do you say the road stops round the bend?
*****
How do you solve a problem like Tom Steyer?
How do you say it’s time to save your cash?
How do you find a word that means Tom Steyer?
Out-of-his-depth rich guy bound for a crash!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
His heart’s in the right place
The problem he can’t face
He can’t buy every voter with his stash
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Tom Steyer?
How do you say continuing is rash?
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How do you solve a problem like the Democrats?
How do you say don’t knit your brow in fear?
How do you find a word that means the Democrats?
Loony-tune-zoo! Scaredy-cat tail-chasing deer!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell them
Many a thing they ought to understand
Last time you rigged the race
It blew up in your face
If Bernie wins perhaps you shouldn’t jeer
Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Democrats?
None of whom ever think they’re in the rear?
Michael Dobie is a member of Newsday's editorial board.
Michael Dobie is a retired member of the Newsday editorial board.
