Passengers wait in line for ticketing at Laguardia airport in...

Passengers wait in line for ticketing at Laguardia airport in Queens, on Dec. 21, 2018. Credit: Yeong-Ung Yang

I fly about a dozen times a year — not a ton, but not irregularly. So it’s striking to me how quickly airlines dangle new money-sucking “value add-ons” to the online ticket-purchasing process. What ever happened to just booking a ticket?

In the six weeks since I took a trip to Orlando, for example, an oft-used airline has introduced about a half-dozen psychological ploys designed to relieve the flying public of every last dollar. Other airlines are certain to follow.

In darting through the added wallet busters in the minefield this week, though, I had a eureka moment. This, my dear friends, is where we’re going.

Enjoy the ride.

  

Date: July 14, 2021

Itinerary: New York LGA to Washington DCA.

Confused businessman in front of computer, VECTOR, EPS10

Confused businessman in front of computer, VECTOR, EPS10 Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto/istock

Thank you for choosing your destination, Washington DCA from New York LGA. Would you like to be a Premium Traveler for just $45 more? Premium Travelers are eligible for multiple benefits, including early boarding, upgrade options and unlimited tea, coffee or soft drinks on our flights.

[No.]

Are you sure you don’t want to be a Premium Traveler with early boarding, upgrade options and unlimited tea, coffee or soft drinks on your flight?

[Yes, I don’t want Premium Traveler benefits.]

Congratulations! You are eligible for our Premium Traveler Discount Package for just $25 when you sign up TODAY for our Bonus Premium Extra Miles Traveler Rewards Platinum Card, courtesy of our partnership with TheUnCoverCard and affiliated parties. As a Bonus Premium Extra Miles Traveler Rewards Platinum Cardholder, you’ll receive regular Premium Traveler Discount Package Member benefits, including early boarding, upgrade options and unlimited tea, coffee or soft drinks for just $25! *Restrictions may apply.

Would you like to sign up for the Bonus Premium Extra Miles Traveler Rewards Platinum Card today, and instantly become a Premium Traveler Discount Package Member for just $25 more?

[No.]

Great! Now let’s choose your seat. Would you like to try our Flying Ace Seat Selection Service (+$60), our Bonus Seat Selection Program (+$13.75) or our Standard Basic Economy No Benefits Seating (+$0)? Note: Standard Basic Economy No Benefits Seating guests are last to board the plane, and seats will be assigned by a gate attendant. Limited tea, coffee and soft drinks available.

[No, I’ll stick with Standard Basic Economy No Benefits Seating.]

OK, got it! But before you choose our Standard Basic Economy No Benefits Seating program, take a moment to check out this special offer available to customers who sign up today:

Thanks to new partnerships with LinkedIn, Facebook and Indeed.com, you are eligible for our Business Connection Plus Top Pilot pilot program for just $125 per flight! The Business Connection Plus Top Pilot pilot program guarantees seat placement next to other Business Connection Plus Top Pilot pilot program members in your selected industry, helping you make valuable business connections as you fly and earn miles for just $125 per flight. *Not available on flights departing from CA, UT, and HI.

Would you like to enroll in our Business Connection Plus Top Pilot pilot program and enjoy in-flight business networking opportunities?

[No, I don’t want to expand my business networking opportunities.]

Terrific! Our records indicate that you may be unmarried. Thanks to our partnership with Match.com, you can be seated next to other eligible singles in our Special Unlimited Make-a-Date-in-the-Sky program for just $299 per year. Would you like the chance to meet that special someone for life on your next flight by joining our Special Unlimited Make-a-Date-in-the-Sky program for just $299?

[No, I don’t want a chance to meet that someone special.]

Got it! Permanence isn’t your thing. You might be interested, then, in our Mile High Benefits Rewards Program made possible by our partnership with Tinder.com for just $125 per flight. As a Mile High Benefits Rewards Program member, you’ll be seated next to other Mile High Benefits Rewards Program members of your choosing (go to: www.flights.milehigh/passengermanifest.com to select available travel companion(s)). Mile High Benefits Rewards Program members receive guaranteed access to flight lavatories. *Restrictions may apply.

Would you like to join our Mile High Benefits Program for your flight from New York LGA to Washington DCA, and — as a special offer to new Mile High Benefits Rewards members — receive Premium Traveler benefits absolutely FREE? That includes early boarding, upgrade options and unlimited tea, coffee or soft drinks on the flight. Would you like to take advantage of this special package offer today?

[Um.]

William F.B. O’Reilly is a consultant to Republicans.

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