Filler: Babylon looks into the crystal ball

Lane Filler is a member of the Newsday editorial board.

They should have seen it coming.

The Village of Babylon is considering an ordinance that would set pretty serious parameters on fortune tellers and psychics, forcing them to be licensed, carry $1 million in business liability insurance, post signs outside their businesses that state "entertainment only" in big block type and limit their enterprises to areas of the village zoned for industrial use.

Questions leap to mind:

On exactly what basis would one decide to grant or not grant a license to a fortune teller? Size and beauty of crystal ball? Turban style? Hairiness of chin moles?

In fact, the bars to getting a license include conviction of a felony or a crime involving fraud, dishonesty, sexual misconduct, moral turpitude or violation of village ordinances. That sounds sane, until you consider the careers people convicted of some crimes can pursue, like medicine and law.

Assuming a psychic could get business liability insurance, what kind of claims would be honored? "Madame Futurian claimed I would meet a tall, dark stranger and should open my heart to him. I did meet such a gentleman, but after I opened said heart, he emptied my bank account, stole my cat, Franklin, and wrapped my El Camino around a pole. I am submitting a claim of $1,116 for the car and swiped funds and $75,000 for Franklin, who was the wind beneath my wings."

Would financial advisers also have to post signs saying their advice is for "entertainment only"? Can a client sue because he didn't find the stock market collapse and his need to get a second job delivering pizza entertaining?

The ordinance also includes similar limits on tattoo parlors and body piercing, but restricting businesses that offer bloodshed and subcutaneous tomfoolery is pretty much accepted practice in our society.

Village Mayor Ralph Scordino said restricting psychics and astrologers makes sense because he doesn't want people being conned, and he feels they are particularly susceptible to it during these hard economic times.

"If someone goes in to see a psychic because they want to have a little fun and spend a few bucks, that's one thing," Scordino said. "But there are con men out there who will take people for their last dollar and we don't want that."

Well, true. None of us, with the exception of con men, want that to happen. But as charlatans go, at least astrologers and psychics have the decency to describe themselves with words that basically mean "con man." Bernard Madoff and his ilk wear three-piece suits and get billions, because the three-piece-suit scams are where the money's at. If you want to make billions with tarot cards, you've got to start shuffling pretty early in the morning.

And the idea that we don't want our citizens getting scammed next to a boutique, but it's fine in the shadows of a warehouse, just doesn't wash. Asked why businesses that are so clearly retail would be limited to areas zoned for industrial use, Scordino said, "We just really want to see more use of these industrial areas." That doesn't sound quite right.

The truth is that Babylon is a great village, so cute you want to pinch it, so enjoyable and friendly that after an hour walking its streets you're ready to put a down payment on a house and buy a dog named Skippy for the backyard.

The town leaders, understandably, don't want that charm trashed via nasty, garish businesses run by shady characters. But the right way to control it is with the same codes and laws applied to retail businesses, and via the free market.

That means nice awnings, appropriate signs, and, of course, well-trimmed mole hair.