Name the truth of relationship violence, and focus on prevention

The murder of 18-year-old Sayville graduate Emily Finn in November, allegedly by a former boyfriend who has pleaded not guilty, has shaken our community to its core. Like so many others, I am grieving — not only as a clinician who has spent more than 25 years working with survivors of intimate partner violence, but as a parent of two Sayville High School students, one of whom will graduate in June.

Our children are asking questions. They are trying to make sense of something that feels both terrifying and too close to home. We owe them honest answers.

Emily's death was not an isolated tragedy. It was another act of intimate partner violence, occurring during what we know is the most dangerous time: after a breakup. This is not new information. It is well-established, widely researched and deeply understood by those of us who work in this field every day. And yet, as a community, we continue to treat these tragedies as if they are unpredictable.

Why do we only act after tragedy — when it happens here, to someone we know? Why aren't we doing better for our kids? What are we afraid of?

In the months since Emily's death, there have been thoughtful responses, compassionate gestures and well-intentioned programming. But one-time presentations, no matter how well done, will not prevent another death. We cannot keep operating in a cycle of grief, response and silence. We must move from reacting to trauma to preventing it in the first place.

That starts with naming the truth: Relationship violence is a school safety issue, a public health issue — and a community responsibility.

Schools are already carrying an enormous burden, and I do not minimize that. But this is not an "extra." It is fundamental to student safety. Evidence-based, developmentally appropriate relationship education must be woven into the curriculum in a sustained, meaningful way — not a one-time assembly, but part of how we prepare young people to navigate relationships safely.

Local government has a role to play, too. Suffolk County is fortunate to have strong victim services and advocacy organizations, but they are often working in silos. We need coordination, shared strategy and a prevention-focused approach that brings schools, mental health professionals, community organizations and lawmakers to the same table.

Parents cannot afford to look away. These conversations are uncomfortable — but avoiding them does not protect our children. It leaves them unprepared.

Prevention must also include an honest conversation about boys and men. We cannot address relationship violence without addressing emotional regulation, rejection, identity and mental health in a way that is accessible and nonaccusatory. This is not about blame. It is about responsibility.

My goal is simple: to not have a waitlist for intimate partner violence groups. To not see another violent death in our community. To stop staying quiet out of fear of making others uncomfortable.

We can build a community where young people understand what healthy relationships look like, where warning signs are recognized early, and where seeking help is normalized. We can create systems that support both prevention and accountability. But that requires us to be honest about what is happening.

If we are willing to do that — together — we have the power to create meaningful, lasting change.

And that would be the most powerful way to honor Emily's life.

This guest essay reflects the views of Alyson Ryan, LCSW, a psychotherapist with Suffolk Counseling Services in Sayville, where she has worked with survivors of intimate partner violence for more than 25 years.