What would an atheist chaplain do?

Daniel Akst is a member of the Newsday editorial board.

From the Pentagon comes word that yet another cherished adage has been shot down.

There are no atheists in foxholes, the old saying goes. Yet it now emerges that there are atheists in the U.S. Army. And some of them are demanding they be given chaplains.

As a devout atheist, I confess to mixed feelings about all this. Finding co-irreligionists anywhere is gratifying for atheists and makes us feel like Robinson Crusoe spotting footprints in the sand. It's especially gratifying to find atheists in the military, since even the slightest whiff of mortality is supposed to turn the staunchest unbeliever into a person of faith.

That's the point of a story about the great heathen Voltaire, who on his deathbed is said to have rejected pleas that he renounce Satan. His explanation? "This is no time for making new enemies!"

But atheists needn't apologize for leaning on religion when it's convenient. Illusions are comforting, and in extremis I'm perfectly happy to embrace the god of my fathers, just as I am happy to take ibuprofen as needed. Like any good atheist, I have nothing to prove.

This leads to my great reservation, which is: What good is a godless chaplain? If anyone really wants a chaplain, wouldn't the old-fashioned kind do? While we atheists lack faith, after all, many of us remain fond of the rituals and traditions that go with that old-time religion. These can be useful in helping believer and infidel alike deal with grief, connect with one another, and remember that the purpose of life isn't getting and spending.

At the very least, therefore, any prospective non-believing chaplains ought to have more than a passing familiarity with religious tradition. Non-believing soldiers might even be given the choice of an atheist chaplain who is an ex-Catholic, Jew, Muslim etc., so that the right varieties of religious experience can be invoked.

The idea of a godless chaplain looks even stranger when you consider the job requirements. To be a military chaplain, evidently, you need a graduate degree in theology. That's a high barrier to entry for most atheists, although perhaps the prospect of employment as a chaplain in uniform will draw more of the faithless to divinity school. I can only hope graduates will be carefully vetted to screen out any persons of faith.

Military chaplains also need to be certified by a qualified religious organization, and a group of military atheists have formed one that stands ready to do the job. But will this august body subject prospects to some kind of test? If atheists must swear they don't believe, on what volume will they place their hand?

Hearteningly, the Defense Dept. says there are about 9,400 atheists and agnostics out of 1.4 million active military personnel. That may not sound like many, but apparently it's more than the number of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus. And organized atheists -- yes, there are some -- suggest that more atheists may come out of the spiritual closet if there are chaplains to minister to their non-spiritual needs.

I can't help wondering what will happen to these godless chaplains once they leave the military. Will they be allowed to perform marriage services? If they form churches that tend to congregations of civilians, will these houses of non-worship be tax-exempt? And once inside, what on earth will people do?

Maybe ecstatic non-believers will leap up to testify about the glorious day when they finally lost their faith. The advent of atheist clerics and churches could even give rise to a new genre of music: the non-spiritual. It might be just the thing for some musically inclined atheist chaplain to teach to a military band.