'I worried those moments were not enough'

The hardest days as a working mom were not the days I was tired. They were the days I felt like I was disappointing my children.

Like a lot of Long Island families, there were times my husband and I both worked but that did not always mean there was extra money for everything our kids wanted. There were times when vacations and other experiences were simply not within our budget. Disney trips, expensive sneakers, gaming systems or the latest thing everyone else seemed to have were out of reach. 

Seeing your child disappointed or feeling left out of experiences their friends were having is something I carried guilt about for a long time, and I think many moms quietly carry that, too. I remember questioning myself. Am I giving them enough? Will they feel like they missed out? 

We learned to become resourceful. We took advantage of town amenities, free festivals, parks, beaches, movie nights, sports, road trips to places like Coney Island and community events. We stayed busy and connected. Some of our best memories came from really simple things like making homemade Halloween costumes from our thrifting ventures, reading books while eating popcorn, garage “sale-ing,” or going on little lunch dates together.

At the time, I worried those moments were not enough because I could not always give my kids the bigger experiences.

I also quietly struggled with whether I was giving my children enough cultural connection and enough exposure to Spanish. As a Latina mom, that carried a different kind of guilt for me. I wanted my children to feel deeply connected to their heritage. But like many bicultural families, between trying to keep everything afloat, it was not always easy to create a fully immersed Spanish-speaking environment I imagined. I still wish they spoke Spanish more fluently.

Over time, though, I realized that while heritage language is an important part of culture, it is not the only thing that shapes identity. Culture also lives in traditions, food, music, family stories, values, celebrations and community. Part of why I created Latina Moms Connect came from this realization I wanted families like mine to have spaces where children could experience culture in joyful and meaningful ways and feel proud of who they are.

Ironically, years later we did eventually make it to Disney, but this past Mother’s Day when I asked my children what memories stood out most from growing up, they did not mention that expensive trip or things we bought them. They remembered the popcorn and reading together, the costumes we made, and that I showed up for them. I realized I had spent years worrying about what I could not give my children, while they were holding onto moments that cost very little, but meant everything.

I grew through all of this by learning to stop measuring my parenting against what I thought I was supposed to provide and focusing more on connection, presence and the home environment we were creating together.

Looking back, I know my children most remember how they felt growing up, the traditions we created, and that I showed up for them with love.

Dorothy Santana is the founding president of Latina Moms Connect Inc.