Who pays the mortgage? How couples can split the bills and skip the tension.
Ridge Dufek and Danielle Hall recently purchased a home together. Here, they're outside an open house in Sayville. Credit: Howard Simmons
Together, in a near 50/50 split, engaged couple Ridge Dufek and Danielle Hall purchased their first home in May. As they save money for their upcoming wedding, Dufek, 25, and Hall, 26, have been on the same page about splitting the expense of the two-bedroom, one-bathroom home in Islip Terrace.
"We try to not really keep too much track of who paid what," said Dufek, who works for home service provider NH Ross. "It's all going to the same place, you know, we're in this together. It doesn't have to be tit for tat."
Living together as a couple can present the predictable challenges: incohesive interior design, unpacked boxes, limited personal space. But amid the chaos of a move, financial logistics are waiting in the wings.
There is no one way to handle splitting living expenses, rent or the mortgage, when a couple moves in together, said certified financial planner Jonathan Barrett, of Titan Financial Group. "Everyone’s got to develop their own plan," said Barrett.
Larry Sprung, founder of Hauppauge-based Mitlin Financial, said he's seen the spectrum of approaches. The ones that work, he said, are those that leave each partner feeling heard and feeling like they are equally contributing to the household.
Newsday asked experts for their tips for how to split the bills.
Be transparent about your finances. "Very likely, the most important part of that conversation is being open from the start, before you engage in a housing relationship, to the tune of income, assets, or ongoing debts," Barrett said. "That could very much help curbing any potential future resentment relating to finances."
Lay out a plan for tackling outstanding debts. Communicating about such details as division of ownership and outstanding debt helps each partner know what they are walking into, Barrett said. If one partner has credit card debt, for example, Barrett recommends the couple come up with a plan to pay down the debt together or draft a legal agreement that says one partner is solely responsible for paying what is owed.
Consider an equitable distribution of expenses. "There’s so many different ways to kind of go about it," Sprung said. "It’s just a matter of having that conversation and doing what works best for you as a couple." If one partner makes $100,000 and the other makes $200,000, Barrett said, the partner making twice as much might pay two-thirds of the expenses.
Don't go tit for tat. Though it has not been easy to cover the costs associated with the house, Dufek said he and Hall had not argued about finances. The goal is not to make sure each person puts in exactly the same amount of money, he said; for them, balance establishes itself over time.
Open a joint expense account. Another avenue is to create a shared bank account solely for living expenses, to which both partners agree to contribute, Barrett said. "By doing that, that allows both individuals to maintain their own financial independence, but to still share in costs."
Couples can take this route whether they are married or not, but this option involves either party having full access to the money, which requires considerable trust, Barrett said.
Merge all finances, regardless of income. The other option, which he called "the ultimate commitment," is to share all finances right away. "I believe that you really need to get to a point when it’s going to be a lifetime arrangement between you and your partner before you go down that route," he said.
To protect both parties, Barrett said he would only recommend fully combining financial resources if the partners plan to be life partners or get married.
Split bills, both big and small. "We’ve seen situations where the primary breadwinner maybe pays for all of the expenses associated with the actual house, meaning either the rent, or the mortgage, and the taxes, and the insurance," Sprung said. "The other person in the household may support the household through food and groceries and shopping for the home."
Have an emergency fund. If the monthly expense is $4,000 a month, the parties might consider contributing 10% more — to hit $4,400 monthly — to allow for emergency expenses, Barrett said. "A good rule of thumb is, if you have two partners working, in stable roles, to have at least three months of expenses accrued or an emergency," he said. "If it’s only one partner working, we recommend at least six months of expenses."
Many are not in a position to do that, Barrett said, but that is the recommendation. Expenses in this category include repairs to the water heater or toilet, he said. "Pop-up expenses create a lot of stress," he said — especially when the funds are not already set aside for that purpose.
Dufek said he and Hall, who works as a dental hygienist, had seen this firsthand as "unforeseen expenses" sneaked up on them. Recently, they had to have work done on the oil heating system and address frozen pipes, he said.
Plan for the best and the worst. "Nobody wants to think about the end when you’re just starting out at the beginning, right, but it’s something you have to think about," Sprung said. "It’s no different than going into business with somebody."
Should a divorce or breakup happen, a partner whose name is not on a mortgage or a lease can find themselves in a challenging situation, Sprung said.
"There’s a lot of challenges there that, once you’re in, you’re in," Sprung said. "You really have to pay attention and address that stuff up front."
If one partner dies and the other’s name is not on the mortgage, Sprung said, the surviving partner may wind up with a new loan at a higher rate.
Keep both partners familiar with the bills. No matter the relationship or arrangement, Barrett encourages both partners to learn how to pay the bills. "It sounds silly, but I’ve dealt with widows and widowers who are just overwhelmed in the most emotionally overwhelming time in their lives," he said. "I think that’s important."
Arielle Dollinger joined Newsday as a staff reporter in 2022. Previously, she covered local and national news as a freelancer for The New York Times, Newsday and other outlets.
