Talking with 'Quiet' author Susan Cain

Talkative people are rated as smarter, better looking and more desirable as friends, many studies show. Yet there are some surprising advantages to subtler traits like listening intently and thinking before you speak -- as demonstrated by the likes of Rosa Parks, J.K. Rowling, Albert Einstein and Mahatma Ghandi.

In her new book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" (Crown, $26), Susan Cain points out that personality shapes our lives as profoundly as gender, and where you fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum is the single most important aspect of your personality.

For the one-third to one-half of Americans who are believed to be introverts, Cain reveals some unexpected benefits, while critiquing our cultural bias in the workplace and schools toward working in groups. We spoke with Cain by telephone about the book.

You don't often hear someone describe herself with pride as an "introvert." What made you embrace this identity?

As a corporate lawyer, I had the idea that a good lawyer was very outgoing, and it worried me, because I knew I couldn't do that all the time. But gradually I realized I had other traits that can take you a long way, like cultivating one-on-one connections behind the scenes. I could also focus and get work done. And I turned out to be a good negotiator, by listening to what the other side was saying, crafting a solution and creating a constructive mood in the room. Once I recognized my strengths, I capitalized on them better and became more able stretch myself when I needed to.

What made you realize that society had a problem with devaluing quieter people?

I toured classrooms in New York, Michigan and Georgia for my work and saw students sitting in pods of four to seven desks, spending a lot of the day on group projects. That was very different from when I was growing up and all the desks were in rows. All children need to be taught to work together, but the amount of time spent on it is alarming for the part of the class that's shy and won't speak up as well in a group setting. That made me realize we're at a stage where society has grown lopsided in favoring extroverts, and that it's time for a rebalance.

What's the problem with relying on groups?

Humans are inherently social, and in a group, we devote huge amounts of energy to what others are saying. Only one person can be active at once, and our listening and processing goes to that person, not our own thinking. So we end up mimicking other people's opinions without realizing it. To rely on groups to the extent we do is to ignore this set of problems.

How do you explain the power of large groups working together online?

Studies show that individuals come up with better ideas than groups of people in the same room, and that solitude can be a crucial ingredient in creativity. But online, you can have the best of both. The group is there, but you are still alone with your own thoughts. This has given rise to amazing pools of knowledge, but it's also specific to the conditions of sitting behind a screen.

What do you recommend to bring harmony to a marriage between an extroverted partner and an introverted one?

The key is to understand the other partner. Extroverts may come home from a stressful day craving company, but an introvert can feel put upon when they want to be alone to recharge. In a marriage, these patterns need to be understood, so it's OK that the introverted partner will go and read a book for half an hour, then join the family for dinner.

How should parents handle a child with a different temperament?

Parents need to move beyond tolerating their child's behavior to respecting and taking delight in it. Along with more challenging aspects, introverted children tend to be empathetic, creative, perceptive and good company if approached with respect. The parent's challenge is to deal with the anxiety and impatience that arises when a child doesn't want to participate the same way others do, and the parent worries that they won't have same bounty in life as other children. But psychologists tell us not to worry if a child has friends. What matters is knowing how to have social relationships -- they don't have to be the most popular kid.

Quiz: Are you an introvert?

To find out where you fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum. Answer each question True or False, choosing the answer that applies to you more often than not.

1. I prefer one-on-one conversations to group activities.

2. I often prefer to express myself in writing.

3. I enjoy solitude.

4. I seem to care about wealth, fame, and status less than my peers.

5. I dislike small talk, but I enjoy talking in depth about topics that matter to me.

6. People tell me that I'm a good listener.

7. I'm not a big risk-taker.

8. I enjoy work that allows me to "dive in" with few interruptions.

9. I like to celebrate birthdays on a small scale, with only one or two close friends or family members.

10. People describe me as "soft-spoken" or "mellow."

11. I prefer not to show or discuss my work with others until it's finished.

12. I dislike conflict.

13. I do my best work on my own.

14. I tend to think before I speak.

15. I feel drained after being out and about, even if I've enjoyed myself.

16. I often let calls go through to voice mail.

17. If you had to choose, I'd prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.

18. I don't enjoy multi-tasking.

19. I can concentrate easily

20. In classroom situations, I prefer lectures to seminars.

The more often you answered True, the more introverted you are. This is an informal quiz, excerpted from "Quiet" by Susan Cain, not a scientifically validated personality test. The questions were formulated based on characteristics of introversion often accepted by contemporary researchers.