'Godzilla vs. Kong' review: 2 creatures, 1 monstrous bore

More than 65 years ago, the foam-rubber star of "Godzilla" lumbered onto movie screens, a screeching incarnation of nuclear horror. About 20 years earlier, the hairy star of "King Kong" captivated audiences as a stop-motion metaphor for masculine rage. Both monsters were born from the fears of their respective eras — Kong came with more than a little racism as well — and their mammoth sizes suggest just how large those fears were.

What do Kong and Godzilla represent today? In 2017’s "Kong: Skull Island," the massive ape was basically wildlife — the noble beast that should never be caged. In 2019’s "Godzilla: King of the Monsters," the reptilian behemoth was a thematic muddle — part evolutionary holdover, part world-protector, part natural disaster.

These two hollowed-out symbols — they’re now referred to as "Titans" — clash in "Godzilla vs. Kong," a crossover cash-in directed by Adam Wingard from a screenplay by Eric Pearson and Max Borenstein (a veteran of both franchises). It’s unoriginal, empty and pointless, all of which would be excusable if the movie were even slightly entertaining. Instead, with its flat dialogue, standard-issue action scenes and barely there characters, this expensive-looking CGI extravaganza will make your eyes glaze over.

The fatigue sets in early, as an adorable deaf girl, Jia (first-time actress Kaylee Hottle, herself deaf), forms an emotional bond with a captive Kong (whose appearance throughout is inexplicably accompanied by soft-pop chestnuts like The Hollies’ "The Air That I Breathe"). Elsewhere, rebellious teen Madison (Millie Bobby Brown) is trying to track down a mysterious podcaster with inside knowledge of Apex Cybernetics, run by Walter Simmons (Demián Bichir). Simmons wants to exploit the Titans for his own ends.

Alexander Skarsgård, as professor Nathan Lind, competes with Rebecca Hall, as Dr. Ilene Andrews, for the clumsiest lines of expository movie science. He gets to explain how Titans use "genetic memory" to locate a prehistoric power source; she gets to tell us that source is "charging" Kong’s newfound battle-ax like an iPhone. Julian Dennison, as a nerdy teen named Josh, outdoes them both with this unimpressive techsplanation at a critical moment: "If I can figure out the password, maybe I can shut it down!"

"Godzilla vs. Kong" does bring one newish twist to its story: That of podcaster Bernie Hayes. Played by Brian Tyree Henry, he’s an irritating conspiracy theorist who lives in a bunker, avoids tap water and showers with bleach. Not long ago he would have been relegated to comic sidekick, but in this movie he’s the main hero. Might that not be scarier than any Titan?