'Holmes & Watson' review: Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly don't have a clue

Sherlock Holmes? I’m pretty sure he’s been done. In the movies, Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous sleuth has been played every which way — classic detective-hero, vulnerable addict, wistful retiree, spunky kid. He’s been tweaked by Gene Wilder in “The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother,” meta-fictionalized in “Without a Clue,” and transformed by Robert Downey Jr. into Ironic Man in two recent box-office hits, both directed by Guy Ritchie.

What, at this late date, could be less fresh, less timely, less promising than a Sherlock Holmes comedy?

Nevertheless, here comes “Holmes & Watson,” starring Will Ferrell as the brilliant detective and John C. Reilly as his chronicler, John Watson. It’s an unexpected low point from two great actors who were pure gold in “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,” and at least silver in “Step Brothers.” In “Holmes & Watson,” however, the two seem to have no script or even a premise to work with, and the ideas they throw into the void are either desperately crass or simply incoherent. “Holmes & Watson” is one of those movies that goes beyond unfunny and into a comedy-cubist zone, where jokes are no longer recognizable and laughter is philosophically impossible.

The problem isn’t the bare-bones plot in which someone has sworn to kill the Queen, but the film’s utter confusion about its lead characters. Ferrell’s Holmes is an emotionless logician but also a bumbler and so squeamish that he barfs at the sight of blood. Watson, meanwhile, is modeled on Reilly’s Cal Naughton Jr. character in “Talladega Nights” — the loyal second banana — but he is also, inexplicably, a gun nut with a violent streak. Rebecca Hall plays Grace Hart, a rare female doctor who shocks our patriarchal heroes (shades of “Anchorman”); Lauren Lapkus, stuck in a truly awful role, plays Millie, a woman who was raised by feral cats and behaves like one. Ralph Fiennes, as Professor Moriarty, may be thankful his role has been reduced to mere seconds.

Written and directed by Etan Cohen (Ferrell’s second-rate effort “Get Hard”), “Holmes & Watson” seems to be made up entirely of — to phrase it politely — brain-burps. The only bright spot is a brief musical number that takes place just before Watson's hanging for crimes he didn't commit. It's a reminder of what Ferrell and Reilly can do when they’re firing on all cylinders.